How to find the right mentor

Over the last 4 years, Diversity Dialogs has trained and coached over 3000 women in middle to senior management. We are often asked, "How do I find the right mentor", or worse still, "How can I get a mentor assigned to me?" 

I believe that the foundation of mentoring is performance. You have to have good performance. Not  outstanding / superlative performance. Good performance is good enough. High performers are often selected by mentors themselves. It is the rest, the good performers, who need to find mentors.

You have to have good performance that showcases your expertise, impact and values, if you want to find a mentor.

Assuming you are a good performer, here are the steps I recommend you follow to find the right mentor. The steps are broken into 3 phases:

• Phase 1: Self-evaluation and Preparation 
• Phase 2: Search and Select 
• Phase 3: Take Action 

Phase 1 : Self-evaluation and Preparation 

Step 1: Be clear about your career aspirations. Write them down. State what you want to achieve in the immediate future, after 2 years and after 5 years. List roles and not statements that just float in ether, like, "I want to do something more challenging" or "I want to lead operations for a more complex customer".  If your aspiration is non-specific, then how can you expect to find a mentor who can help you get to where you want to go ('coz even you don't know where you are going).

A career aspiration is not a designation. It is a role.

You may need to craft a role, if none exists. Design it, garner support, sell it.

But role it must be, as it helps people slot your aspirations within the organization's framework and makes it easily recognisable and relatable.

Step 2: Determine the real gap between your current skills and skills needed for the next and future roles. Conduct a brutally real and honest evaluation. Refer to critical feedback. Request a special evaluation. Have candid conversations with people. 

Also, create a specific list of skills needed for the roles in your career aspirations path.

Underestimating or overestimating the gaps can lead you to waste time in acquiring skills you may not need. Worse still, you may look for and build a relationship with a mentor that does not help you grow your career. 

Don't forget to jot down and share the achievements that highlight your current skills / expertise. They come handy when you want to establish a baseline. 

Step 3: Create and execute a skill gap closure plan. You have to know which skill gaps you can close by learning, or taking on a new/expanded role or project etc. 

You have to take skill building actions to know where are you getting stuck and where you need help. Try solving roadblocks yourself first. When you can't - you've probably narrowed down the areas where you need mentoring. You can not be specific about the situations, your actions, what's worked and not worked. All needed to determine at what level you need mentoring.   

Don't identify more than 3 areas where you need mentoring. Anything more, de-focuses your conversations and efforts. 

Step 4: Flesh out the end objective / outcome of the mentoring relationship. Write a list of questions you would like to answer or outcomes you want to achieve by the end of your mentoring relationship. Get as specific as you can. 

This sets the boundaries of the expectations of the relationship. 

Don't expect your mentor to have a magic pill or wand or crystal ball that will dramatically reveal your needs to them. 

Having clear expectations, also helps you close a mentoring relationship gracefully if you are not getting what you want.

Mentoring is not an unending, forever relationship tho' at the end of it you may become friends. When that happens the the relationship moves into the realm of friendship. 

Friends can be (and often should be) mentors. Mentors do not have to be friends.

Phase 2: Search and Select

Now that you know where you need help, the specific areas, you can go out to find someone who you would like to be mentored by.

Step 5: Create a list of people you admire for the display and impact of the skills you are looking for. These have to be people in your network. People who you have helped. People who who have benefitted from your successes or capabilities. Only if you have given in some way can you expect to receive in return. 

 Expecting to be mentored by someone who does not know you, is a pipe dream. It's not going to happen.   

If there is no one in your network who meets your criteria, then go out to cultivate them. Help them. Showcase what you are capable of. Yes, this will take time, but it's better than nothing. 

Some organizations assign mentors to people. I suggest you not rely on that. You have to Take Charge© of your career and find the right mentor for you. When someone in HR finds you a mentor, they will find someone they think will give you, what they think you need, & someone who they think (again!) will gel with you. Do you really want to rely on what someone else thinks about you or do you want to depend on knowing yourself well? 

Always have a Plan B (and possibly a Plan C). The first person you choose is not always going to be able to help you. So have list of the top 3 people you would like as mentors in each area. 

Mentors are not necessarily people who are senior to you in an organization. 

Depending on what you need to be mentored on, the mentor could be someone junior in age or experience. Look for people with superlative, demonstrated skills  in your area of need.

Step 6: Determine what you can offer them. A relationship is not worth it if there is no give and take. When you are selecting a mentor, be clear about what you can offer them. This means you need to understand them well, know what they are doing, challenges they face, tasks that they could or would like to be relieved off, etc. Research them well.

Be ready with more than one helping / giving option.

Weave this into the conversation vs asking your mentor if you can help them with something. 

Phase 3: Take Action     

Step 7: Ask for what you want. Not, "I would like you to mentor me" or "Will you be my mentor?" Throwing out a generic comment like that does pull anyone into a relationship. 

It's better to ask for specific help (remember you jotted some things down in Step 4?) Set expectations clearly. This also helps your mentor understand the time and effort they need to invest and what the exit conditions or criteria are.

For example, if you want to be mentored in public speaking you could tell them that you want to establish your expertise by speaking at a seminar. Then ask  what helped them become a called-upon speaker. How did they start? What strengths and connections did they use? What strengths or connections should you be leveraging? What pitfalls should you be careful of? Share what you have done in the area of public speaking. What's worked and what hasn't.

Step 8: Sign a contract. If the help and support you need requires a series of conversations or meetings, create a contract. How often do you want to meet / chat, for how long, where, what time works for both of you, what's the best way to reach out to each other, the outcome of these sessions, etc.  

I have found that my most successful mentoring relationships have been those where we had set clear boundaries, expectations, schedules etc.

Though a contract has responsibilities of both parties, you need to drive it and not your mentor. You are the main beneficiary and you need to take ownership.

The contract does not have to be a written contract. Your word is as good as any signature. 

Step 9: Let them know if you have other mentors. It is quite possible that you may have more than one mentor at a time. Its respectful to let your mentors know that there are others who you are seeking support and advice from. My suggestion is that you not have more than 3 mentors at a time as you may get confused. Also, you may like to work with them on different aspects or skill gaps you.

Step 10: Always do what you promise to do, when you promise to do it, and with the level of quality that your mentor expects. The most insulting thing you can do to a mentor is not to put into action what you have agreed to. And not to report back your progress, successes, and challenges. Mentors can only help if you let them experience how committed you are to growing and how far you have travelled.

Do more than is expected or agreed on. Mentors want to see initiative and your ability to extrapolate from your conversations

Your reputation as a protégé precedes you. If you get a reputation of being someone who can not or does not implement actions, it will tarnish your other relationships and make it harder to find a mentor in the future.

Here are additional tips on how to be a successful protégé

Smart Answers to Stupid Questions Single Women are Asked - Part 2

I am surprised that there are so many people who have read, reacted and shared my last post on Smart Answers to Stupid Questions Single Women are Asked - Part 1. I have also got a number of questions from readers with a request for smart alec answers that they can use. Here they are: 

Q7: How do you manage your finances / career / home improvement needs (plumbing / changing fuses / painting & polishing) when you are single? 

• I use my brain and hands. What do you use that's different?
• I manage my finances / career / home improvement well, other than on full moon nights when I become a werewolf. Choose any time and mythical creature like "weekends" & "mermaid" or "dusk" & "unicorn". It will give you an opportunity stretch your imagination & keep the brain ticking while dealing with stupid questions.
• Happy to hand it over. Would you like to manage it? 
• My butler manages this for me; I don't need to use my womanly "wiles"
• I've managed my career really well given that I am currently talking with you. Based on the level of the person, you may want to say this innocently or sarcastically.

Q8: If you marry a rich man, will you leave us? The assumption is that if a woman is over 25 and not married, she is holding out for something, and that something has got to be a man. A rich man. 

• No. I am more interested in a man's body than his money.
• What gives you the idea that I am not rich in my own right? Don't say anything more. Let them assume what they want. Beware of people using this answer to avoid paying you equitably, as the assumption is that women who are single & independently wealthy don't need to be paid on par with men as they have "fewer commitments / needs".
• I could be a rich man's common law wife. Do you still want to ask me that question?
• Should a man stop working if he marries a rich woman? Would you?

Q9: Your parents must be unhappy (and hence suffering), because you are not married. Again, this is a statement (judgemental, much?) What they are really asking is, how do your parents deal with the "disappointment" of having a single daughter? How can you be so cruel? How do you manage thier disappointment?

• They are happy to be actively engaged in getting to meet and spend time with my "current flavour of the month"  boyfriend / girlfriend
• They are skipping over rainbows! They brought me up to be independent and truly respect my choices.  
• My parents happiness lies in collecting worms / selling fingernail clippings / connecting with aliens / writing recipes that use cockroach parts ..... Not me
• Actually, they are ecstatic. They can peacefully live in my flat/house 
• They don't want to trouble my brother / long time retainer / local politician / actor. Feel  free to mention the politician's or actor's name with some familiarity. Create a pet names for more fun.  

Q10: How is it that you and your sister are both single? I find this question hard to understand, but hopefully not hard to find apt rejoinders to.

• Oh! Don't you know? It is a rare genome altering virus (make up a disease name; the bigger the tongue twister the better) that causes women to want to be single
• No one can come close to my grandmother's adopted brother / grandaunt's lover's nephew / great-granduncle's family retainer's daughter who was an OBE / Valour Award winner. I am not going to settle for anything less. Choose some complicated relationship and make-up an award that sounds prestigious.
• We are very close to each other. We couldn't find identical twins to marry. Do you know any that we can meet?
• Actually we are separated Siamese twins and can't survive without each other 

Q11: Why can't you travel / work late or on holidays whenever I tell you to? You don't have any responsibilities. The assumption is that a person has "responsibilities" only when they are married, have in-laws and children. Anything else is not considered important enough to be "responsibilities".

• Because I have a life! A full life without husband and children. One that you are probably jealous of!
• What do you mean by "responsibilities"? Millstones tied to my feet?
• You are mistaken. I do have responsibilities. The biggest is to my needlepoint academy / Saturday mystery book writing club / Sunday games invention day /  commitment to provide my blood for fertilizer research / my potted plants and extensive marijuana hedge
• I have a standing engagement to play bridge with Duggu, Raju and Sasha. Choose pet names of famous people to keep them guessing. Btw - Duggu, Raju and Sasha are the petnames of Hritik Roshan, Akshay Kumar and Shahid Kapoor - well known Bollywood actors.
• I take my responsibility to Ms Alter-Ego very seriously. Happy to share activities and deadlines, if you promise not to get embarrassed / shocked. Do think up of some outlandish activities as clueless questioners will assure you that they will not be embarrassed / shocked by anything you say. Maybe you can tell them that you call your alter-ego in a seance to get spiritual guidance. 

Q12: Why are you staying in a 2 / 3 /4 bedroom apartment when you are single? Why don't you just share an apartment with someone?

• There is a Tesla in space and you want to tell me where and how to live?
• Not sure I can keep my hands off someone I am sharing an apartment with
• I like to roller skate in my house 
• I like to sleep in a room where I have not just had sex
• My pet tarantula uses the second bedroom. If you have more rooms, choose some more animals to join you in your personal menagerie. Some suggestions are - Burmese python, hissing cockroach, kinkajou, skunk, bearded dragon.  

Smart Answers to Stupid Questions Single Women are Asked - Part 1

This post is dedicated to the strange, invasive and discriminatory questions single women are asked, even in this day and age. It follows two earlier posts on Smart Answers to Stupid Questions - Part 1 and Part 2. 

There are many types of single women - those who have decided not to marry / are divorced / widowed /  abandoned / separated. 

This post covers questions that many single women, who chose to stay single, are asked.  

Q1: Why are you not married? You are so pretty / smart. 

• I am searching for a butt ugly man to marry so that we can have an average good-looking-couple score. Know any butt-ugly men?
• My dogs / neighbors / grand aunts / family retainers / bodyguards ...  haven't approved any potential partners 
• I am waiting for Kavin or Shravin Mittal to propose to me
• I hope I am more than a pretty face to you. Are you proposing? Bat your eyelashes and watch them squirm! It does not matter whether they are men or women.

Q2: Are you a lesbian? The assumption is the only reason a woman does not get married is because she is homosexual.

• None of your business
• Yes. Why do you want to know?
• Lesbians do get married. I will get married when you advocate for same sex marriages in India.
• I am working on it
• Why? Are you interested in me? Be ready with a response if the answer is "yes"
• Yes. Nice to meet someone who is gay / bi-sexual / asexual. If they can make assumptions about you, you can make assumptions about them. You could choose an area where they have bigoted or inflexible views and say, "It is nice to meet someone who believes in dowry / child marriage / is a child trapped in an adult's body / a republican"...

Q3: You must have modern parents. They have allowed you to stay single. This type of statement begs a response even though it isn't worded as a question. 

• You could use the responses to Question 7 in Smart Answers to Stupid Questions - Part 2
• I am polyamorous. Many of them don't know what polyamorous means. Let them build up the courage to ask you.
• My parents don't want to lose me. If the person asking this question is a woman or a man who has sisters, ask them, "Can you please share best-practices on how I can release myself from from house arrest to get married?"
• That's how we plan to keep our $1Bn estate within the family
• I don't need a piece of paper to have sex or children

Q4: Mrs {your surname}, what does Mr. {your surname} do?  The assumption is that if you are over 24-25 you are married to a man, and you have taken on his surname.

• I can't tell you. He is (not even) a tiny figment of my imagination
• Whatever I tell him to. This month he is rearing chickens
• There is no Mr {your surname}, there is a Ms. {your surname}
• He's at Tihar Jail. Let them assume that this fictitious husband, works in the Police department. When they ask what he does at Tihar jail, say, "He breaks stones" 
• He ............ Describe what your father does. Then ask, "Why are you interested in what my father does?

Q5: You are single and you don't drink? 

• I eat. I find that's enough to stay single.
• I don't want to drink myself to marital strife
• Actually, I drink a lot. Pause. Lots of water / juice / tea / coffee / ..... 
• I drink only Tuna tears soju / Sinchicara / Tongba / Boza / Mamajuana / Kava / Meat breast mezcal; if you really want to rattle them
• Oh! I do. Just before I streak down main street

Q6: As a single woman in a senior position, how will you manage men with biases?  See if these responses work for you when what you really want to say is, "Talk to the hand!"

• Just like a married woman, or married / unmarried man would
• I plan to keep a box of cheap wedding rings / mangalsutras in my drawer. I can wear (or throw at them) when I respond
• How do you manage men with biases? Look at them with wide-eyed innocence and if you can, clap your hands
• I'll call my evil spawn spirit and use my ouija board for answers

This is not all. There are many more invasive and silly questions.

I will address in Smart Answers to Stupid Questions Single Women are Asked - Part 2 

Smart Answers to Stupid Questions - Part 2

I am quite overwhelmed with the number of people who have read and reacted to my 1st post on Smart Answers to Stupid Questions. 

It has encouraged me to continue with my tongue-in-cheek, sarcastic and humorous responses to invasive and discriminatory questions women are asked everyday.

Here are the next 6 questions:

Q7: You are lucky your husband allows you to work. 
Though said as a statement, often times it is meant as a question - "Will you be able to lean on your husband when we demand you work long hours / travel extensively, etc? So that you don't complain about it?" The only apt responses I can think of are:

• Only dogs and children are "allowed" to do something. Hopefully you realise that I am neither
• I AM lucky. The Khap Panchayat approved my working just a few hours ago. Pause for a few seconds for this to sink in. It may take upto a couple of minutes 
• He IS lucky! I allow him to work / stay at home / start a home-baking business / do embroidery / knit / look after the home, our children, parents, pets, potted plants, .... Choose whatever grabs your fancy at that moment 

Q8: Tell me something about your family. Who all are there?

I am told that this question helps determine "stability of background".

• Thank you for your interest. My great grandmother Padmavathi had 11 children. My grandmother, Ananthalakshmi, was the 6th child. Ajji (as we called her) had 11 children of which 10 survived infancy...... Feel free to share real names and details (as I have here) or just make them up.
• Oops! I forgot to do DNA tracing. Isn't it one of the peculiar things listed as a prerequisite to succeed in this role?
• I have a dog, 3 rats, 2 lizards, a small tribe of cockroaches, and some assorted insects and bugs. I am in the process of naming them.
• I have little to share as people in my family disappear without a trace. Pause for effect. Would you like to be a part of my family? Remember to look wide eyed and innocent when you say this.

Q9: How will your family manage when you travel / work late?

• The same way that they manage when I vacation with my friends / visit relatives / go bar-hopping / am high as a kite
• The question you should be asking is how I will manage without them. I hate ironing.
• I hand them over to family kennels
• I've signed-up with charities who are ready to take them on when I travel / work late.
• I was just about to check if you have a family management timeshare program. Hope you have signed up for it. Pause. You can look after my family when I am work-busy.
• Thanks. Your question is a great addition to the case I am building to legalise polyandry.

Q10: What do your family (parents / in-laws / husband) think of you working in sales /  operations / night shifts / industrial belt ..... I've never understood why people are interested in what my family or loved ones think or feel about my career choices and needs. I am told this question comes from an interest in managing "attrition risk" in the garb of ensuring a woman feels safe.

• They think I am Wonder Woman. I can do anything I want. Anytime. Anywhere.
• I mindmeld them into liking what I like, thinking what I think
• We've hired a bodyguard who will accompany me everywhere I go 
• I don't know. Haven't been interested enough to ask. Reach for your mobile phone as you say, I can get them on the line in case you are interested in the answer

Q11: How do you / will you manage the negative impact on your relationship, when you earn more than your husband?

• I pay him "hush money" to keep him quiet and maintain a good relationship
• I have signed him up as my favourite charity
• Are you asking me to earn less than I deserve, so that you don't have to feel imaginery guilt about the imagined negative impact on my husband?
• He knows that I am better than him in every way. 
• You do know that the demand for pay parity does not mean husband-wife pay parity, right?

Q12: Given your age and gender, how many years do you plan to work? I was asked this question when I was in my mid-40s. Ageist and sexist, much?

• How many years are you willing to guarantee employment?
• I'm 102 and still working. So..... perhaps till the day I die. I have to use up my excess energy before the terminal event
• Forever. I am making the best use of the fountain-of-youth cauldron I fell into as a baby.
• I will ask that question the next time I have a tarot reading
• If I tell you, I am going to have to kill you. You could hold up a make-believe finger gun and blow on the barrel.

PS1:  I am grateful to readers who shared thier personal stories of questions and thier reactions / responses.

PS2: I have been asked to share straight answers to stupid questions. I promise to think about this and address it in another post if I can convince my mind to work that way :-)

Follow me if you want to read the next post in this series....

Smart Answers to Stupid Questions Single Women are Asked

Smart Answers to Stupid Questions - Part 1

The more I work in the area of diversity and inclusion, the more I get to hear real personal stories of struggles and successes; of being made a part of, and kept apart from, teams; of seeking respect and not tolerance.

Many of the stories I hear are about questions people are asked - disguised as curiosity, helpfulness, open mindedness, work focus / ethics, culture fit, and every possible corporate jargon that can be used in an attempt to cover biases. 

When I ask why a particularly personal and discriminatory question is being asked, I am told not to exaggerate differences. Not to be a "feminist", or horror of horrors, be "too modern"!  Far too many managers believe that there is nothing wrong with asking these kinds of questions as they are a way to assess and manage risk. 

Policies are never going to change practices. Maybe smart responses / rejoinders may make people stop and think about what they have said. So I have decided to create a compendium of smart answers / rejoinders, to what I believe are, stupid / personal / discriminatory questions. 

This post (the first in a series) covers some of the stupid questions women are being asked and how I, with tongue-in-cheek, suggest they respond to these questions.

Q1 (to a young woman, between the ages of 20-30, at a job interview): Are you married?

Possible Answers:

• I missed reading "marriage" as a critical skill needed for the role in the job description that was sent to me. Happy to discuss how to get over this hurdle.
• There are many types of marriages, which one are you interested in? Marriage of the  mind? Soul? Body? Legal marriage? Spiritual?
• Maybe. Are you?

Q2 (if the answer to Q1 is "No"):

When are you planning to get married? or Why haven't you got married?

This question is asked to determine "stability", I am told.

Possible Answers:

• When my dog gives me permission. Remember to cross your fingers when you say this. It makes the statement more believable.
• I am aatmanirbhar (as advised by our PM)
• When a member of the British / Andoran / Bhutanese / ... royal family falls hard for me.
• When I can buy a ₹12 Lakh saree for the wedding
• When hell freezes over! 

Q3: What are your "family plans"? The cruder ones will ask, "When are you planning to have children"?

This question is asked presumably to determine "instability", I am told.
Possible Answers:

• Are you seriously asking me when I plan to have unprotected sex with my partner? (Enjoy watching them squirm)
• Dunno. Feel free to join us when we next meet our fertility specialist / gynaecologist.
• If I knew that, I'd be God.
• Depends on when I am allowed a conjugal visit by my mother / the prison / my partner's workplace.
• My family plans include terrorising them to be quiet so that I can catch-up on sleep this weekend.

Q4: I see you have a child. When are you planning the second child?

• The first 3 responses to Question 3 should work for this question too. Other responses could be:
• I'm working towards multiple births, if and when, I get pregnant next. Does your medical insurance cover quintuplets?
• Don't know. How did you plan for your first or second child. I would appreciate if you could share your decision matrix with me.

Q5: Who will look after your baby / child when you are at work? Sometimes, in-laws are thrown in to this question, for good measure.

• The wolves. Mowgli was brought up well enough to be loved by wild animals and people alike. 
• No one. I want them to be free and fierce.
• The neighbourhood watch program.
• Can I call my partner to see how they responded to this question?

Q6: You live so far away, how will you commute to work?

• Probably the same way you commute to work. How do you get to work each day?
• Beam me up, Scottie!  Please don't forget to gently tap your Starfleet communicator badge before you say this! 
• Feel free to pick me up and drop me off everyday, as a caring supervisor / HR person / representative of this organization......
• To answer that I would have to call you "Dad" / "Mom". Works?

There are many more stupid questions, and I will cover them in subsequent posts.

Do add questions that you would like smart answers for or add to this list of smart responses.

PS: I have been told by many women that tho' they would love to respond to questions the way I have described above, they are sure that if they do, they will never get the role they want, or the promotion they have been working hard for, or the project they have had thier eye on, or the award they deserve. :-(