Smart Answers to Stupid Questions - Part 2

I am quite overwhelmed with the number of people who have read and reacted to my 1st post on Smart Answers to Stupid Questions. 

It has encouraged me to continue with my tongue-in-cheek, sarcastic and humorous responses to invasive and discriminatory questions women are asked everyday.

Here are the next 6 questions:

Q7: You are lucky your husband allows you to work. 
Though said as a statement, often times it is meant as a question - "Will you be able to lean on your husband when we demand you work long hours / travel extensively, etc? So that you don't complain about it?" The only apt responses I can think of are:

• Only dogs and children are "allowed" to do something. Hopefully you realise that I am neither
• I AM lucky. The Khap Panchayat approved my working just a few hours ago. Pause for a few seconds for this to sink in. It may take upto a couple of minutes 
• He IS lucky! I allow him to work / stay at home / start a home-baking business / do embroidery / knit / look after the home, our children, parents, pets, potted plants, .... Choose whatever grabs your fancy at that moment 

Q8: Tell me something about your family. Who all are there?

I am told that this question helps determine "stability of background".

• Thank you for your interest. My great grandmother Padmavathi had 11 children. My grandmother, Ananthalakshmi, was the 6th child. Ajji (as we called her) had 11 children of which 10 survived infancy...... Feel free to share real names and details (as I have here) or just make them up.
• Oops! I forgot to do DNA tracing. Isn't it one of the peculiar things listed as a prerequisite to succeed in this role?
• I have a dog, 3 rats, 2 lizards, a small tribe of cockroaches, and some assorted insects and bugs. I am in the process of naming them.
• I have little to share as people in my family disappear without a trace. Pause for effect. Would you like to be a part of my family? Remember to look wide eyed and innocent when you say this.

Q9: How will your family manage when you travel / work late?

• The same way that they manage when I vacation with my friends / visit relatives / go bar-hopping / am high as a kite
• The question you should be asking is how I will manage without them. I hate ironing.
• I hand them over to family kennels
• I've signed-up with charities who are ready to take them on when I travel / work late.
• I was just about to check if you have a family management timeshare program. Hope you have signed up for it. Pause. You can look after my family when I am work-busy.
• Thanks. Your question is a great addition to the case I am building to legalise polyandry.

Q10: What do your family (parents / in-laws / husband) think of you working in sales /  operations / night shifts / industrial belt ..... I've never understood why people are interested in what my family or loved ones think or feel about my career choices and needs. I am told this question comes from an interest in managing "attrition risk" in the garb of ensuring a woman feels safe.

• They think I am Wonder Woman. I can do anything I want. Anytime. Anywhere.
• I mindmeld them into liking what I like, thinking what I think
• We've hired a bodyguard who will accompany me everywhere I go 
• I don't know. Haven't been interested enough to ask. Reach for your mobile phone as you say, I can get them on the line in case you are interested in the answer

Q11: How do you / will you manage the negative impact on your relationship, when you earn more than your husband?

• I pay him "hush money" to keep him quiet and maintain a good relationship
• I have signed him up as my favourite charity
• Are you asking me to earn less than I deserve, so that you don't have to feel imaginery guilt about the imagined negative impact on my husband?
• He knows that I am better than him in every way. 
• You do know that the demand for pay parity does not mean husband-wife pay parity, right?

Q12: Given your age and gender, how many years do you plan to work? I was asked this question when I was in my mid-40s. Ageist and sexist, much?

• How many years are you willing to guarantee employment?
• I'm 102 and still working. So..... perhaps till the day I die. I have to use up my excess energy before the terminal event
• Forever. I am making the best use of the fountain-of-youth cauldron I fell into as a baby.
• I will ask that question the next time I have a tarot reading
• If I tell you, I am going to have to kill you. You could hold up a make-believe finger gun and blow on the barrel.

PS1:  I am grateful to readers who shared thier personal stories of questions and thier reactions / responses.

PS2: I have been asked to share straight answers to stupid questions. I promise to think about this and address it in another post if I can convince my mind to work that way :-)

Follow me if you want to read the next post in this series....

Smart Answers to Stupid Questions Single Women are Asked

Smart Answers to Stupid Questions - Part 1

The more I work in the area of diversity and inclusion, the more I get to hear real personal stories of struggles and successes; of being made a part of, and kept apart from, teams; of seeking respect and not tolerance.

Many of the stories I hear are about questions people are asked - disguised as curiosity, helpfulness, open mindedness, work focus / ethics, culture fit, and every possible corporate jargon that can be used in an attempt to cover biases. 

When I ask why a particularly personal and discriminatory question is being asked, I am told not to exaggerate differences. Not to be a "feminist", or horror of horrors, be "too modern"!  Far too many managers believe that there is nothing wrong with asking these kinds of questions as they are a way to assess and manage risk. 

Policies are never going to change practices. Maybe smart responses / rejoinders may make people stop and think about what they have said. So I have decided to create a compendium of smart answers / rejoinders, to what I believe are, stupid / personal / discriminatory questions. 

This post (the first in a series) covers some of the stupid questions women are being asked and how I, with tongue-in-cheek, suggest they respond to these questions.

Q1 (to a young woman, between the ages of 20-30, at a job interview): Are you married?

Possible Answers:

• I missed reading "marriage" as a critical skill needed for the role in the job description that was sent to me. Happy to discuss how to get over this hurdle.
• There are many types of marriages, which one are you interested in? Marriage of the  mind? Soul? Body? Legal marriage? Spiritual?
• Maybe. Are you?

Q2 (if the answer to Q1 is "No"):

When are you planning to get married? or Why haven't you got married?

This question is asked to determine "stability", I am told.

Possible Answers:

• When my dog gives me permission. Remember to cross your fingers when you say this. It makes the statement more believable.
• I am aatmanirbhar (as advised by our PM)
• When a member of the British / Andoran / Bhutanese / ... royal family falls hard for me.
• When I can buy a ₹12 Lakh saree for the wedding
• When hell freezes over! 

Q3: What are your "family plans"? The cruder ones will ask, "When are you planning to have children"?

This question is asked presumably to determine "instability", I am told.
Possible Answers:

• Are you seriously asking me when I plan to have unprotected sex with my partner? (Enjoy watching them squirm)
• Dunno. Feel free to join us when we next meet our fertility specialist / gynaecologist.
• If I knew that, I'd be God.
• Depends on when I am allowed a conjugal visit by my mother / the prison / my partner's workplace.
• My family plans include terrorising them to be quiet so that I can catch-up on sleep this weekend.

Q4: I see you have a child. When are you planning the second child?

• The first 3 responses to Question 3 should work for this question too. Other responses could be:
• I'm working towards multiple births, if and when, I get pregnant next. Does your medical insurance cover quintuplets?
• Don't know. How did you plan for your first or second child. I would appreciate if you could share your decision matrix with me.

Q5: Who will look after your baby / child when you are at work? Sometimes, in-laws are thrown in to this question, for good measure.

• The wolves. Mowgli was brought up well enough to be loved by wild animals and people alike. 
• No one. I want them to be free and fierce.
• The neighbourhood watch program.
• Can I call my partner to see how they responded to this question?

Q6: You live so far away, how will you commute to work?

• Probably the same way you commute to work. How do you get to work each day?
• Beam me up, Scottie!  Please don't forget to gently tap your Starfleet communicator badge before you say this! 
• Feel free to pick me up and drop me off everyday, as a caring supervisor / HR person / representative of this organization......
• To answer that I would have to call you "Dad" / "Mom". Works?

There are many more stupid questions, and I will cover them in subsequent posts.

Do add questions that you would like smart answers for or add to this list of smart responses.

PS: I have been told by many women that tho' they would love to respond to questions the way I have described above, they are sure that if they do, they will never get the role they want, or the promotion they have been working hard for, or the project they have had thier eye on, or the award they deserve. :-(

How to be a Successful Protégé - Make the Most of Your Coaching Relationship

Over the last 3 years we have trained and coached 1000s of women at mid to senior levels. 

Here are our insights on what successful protégés do to make the most of the coaching relationship and opportunity.

1. Have Clear Career Aspirations: Protégés who know what they want from their careers, let their aspirations drive the coaching relationship and actions. If they start the coaching relationship without clear career aspirations, they are quick to define aspirations and path for themselves. They are clear about what to focus on. What to do, achieve, and showcase to get that bigger / enhanced role. They take charge of the coaching process, understanding that the onus of the success of the relationship rests with them. 

2. Put Career Front and Center: Successful protégés prioritise the time and effort needed for self development, learning, actions, and meetings. They view this as an investment. Many have honed their skills of pushing back and saying "no", because they have had to say it more than once to ensure they can attend sessions or  complete committed actions. Coaching sessions are not seen as one more thing to add to a packed day but something that is critical enough to clear calendars, objections, obstacles. Many have shared that the more of this they do, the more time they have.

3. Perfect Project Management:  Protégés who make the most progress, growing faster than planned, complete actions. These women apply strict project management principles and practices to define outcomes and  actions needed to reach those outcomes. They not only complete actions but also report out progress - good, bad, and ugly. When they get stuck, they look for other options, ask for resources, move non-critical activities. And they are regular.

4. Aren't Deterred by Failures: Failures did cause some protégés tear up and cry. Sometimes it was sadness, sometimes it was frustration. But each time they got back on the horse, so to say, and found a path with fewer hurdles and barricades. They realise that to get what they want, they need to try another approach. One even told me that she was so much more determined that she was like an earth mover that pushed the sh** aside.

5. Create Own Path: These protégés did not expect me, as their coach, to tell them what to do (as many protégés often do). They weigh the responses to the open ended questions, that they ask. Of course, they want to know what worked for me and I had to be careful, as what works for me does not and may not work for them. I have learned so much from them - their questions, reactions, decisions, and decision making process.

6. Use Technology to your Advantage: By this I don't mean use Skype or Google Hangouts for coaching conversations. Protégés used WhatApp, voicemails, emails, social media, blogs, etc  to talk about their personal growth, challenges, struggles, ask questions, seek information, find options and alternatives. They learned how to build & leverage relationships from remote locations.

7. Ask for Help: Protégés did not shy away from seeking help. They recognised when they need it and they actively sought it. Not just from their coach but from their network. A protégé once called me 3 hours before a critical and tough customer meeting (one that had all the signs of being a bloodbath) because she was feeling under confident and unsure of reaching the outcome she wanted. She needed a boost. Asked for it. She got one. And came back with more than just commitments to revitalise the project.

8. Pull as You Climb: I was most impressed by the protégés who started to actively coach others and incorporate their learning from these coaching / mentoring engagements into their own career and self development. I was amazed by how well they thought thru' whom to coach, how to help their protégés define and set the pace, set up their protégés for success. They were sponges that soaked up experiences, incidents, stories, skills and brought them out when needed.

9. Practice Reflective Thinking: Without being told about reflective thinking, I found that protégés who did the best were the ones who were able to take a step back, remove themselves from the situation / challenge to look at and understand the context, need, drivers, implications. They focused on the bigger picture and where they fit in it. They let the bigger picture drive what they wanted to do / could do / had to do.

10. Show Gratitude: The best protégés did not take coaching for granted. They showed that they understood the value of the investment in time, money, effort that the organization and coaches put in. And they put an even higher value on all the effort they have to put in to grow their careers. They realise that they have to do all the heavy lifting to grow - do more, do things better, achieve more. They are grateful in action not words.

--- These insights are based on training & coaching 1000s of women by Diversity Dialogs
To contact us, click here.

9 things to do, to get the role you want

I am tired of hearing that women are still being told, "dress for the role you want, and you will get it." They are being taught that Executive Presence means being able to make impactful presentations (read as "ppt skills") and wearing executive-like clothes i.e. skirt or pant suits.

How naive do they think women are? How long will women be evaluated based on how they look and what they wear?

Here's my advice to get promoted or get an expanded role. These apply to men and women, but am addressing women more, thru this post.

1. Define and articulate your career aspirations. A 3plus Survey I recently read showed that 83% of men vs 16% of women have clear articulated career plans. If you don't know where you want to go and how you want to get there, you will stay stationary, or just "grow with the flow", as I call it. Works perfectly well in a growing economy / industry and at lower management levels. It is a disaster after that.

2. Superb performance is a basic requirement. It is rare that you will get promoted when your performance places you at the bottom of the heap. So, if you want a promotion or an expanded role or even a role change to something that's not a conventional move, you are going to have to perform well & be acknowledged for it. Don't forget, superb performance also includes doing something out of the ordinary, something impactful. Beating your goals is not enough. You gotta go beyond. Read about Nadia Comaneci's record breaking perfect 10 in the 1976 Olympics, for inspiration.

3. Ask for the change. Stop hinting. Stop assuming that there is someone with a crystal ball and wand. That they will miraculously divine your career ambitions and give it to you. Ask for the role you want and state what you are willing to do to shine in the role (keeping it all in line with your articulated career aspirations). Keeping quiet makes you forgettable. And being forgotten never got anyone the role they wanted.

4. Do the next level job, don't wait to be promoted. Waiting to be promoted to show your leadership ability, influence and action only enables someone else to get that role you coveted. Work at the next level. Do some portions of the next level job you want. Do it well. Make it a no-brainer for your supervisor / the promotion panel to formally give you the role you want. Do the job first, the promotion will follow soon.

5. Have more than one successor in place. Because organizations want & need the abundance of choice when it comes to good talent. Successors showcase you as a leader who develops other leaders. Not just a leader who creates another leader. Each-on-make-one does not help build organization and leadership capacity.
Having successors in place pushes you to look for a bigger job for yourself. It also ensures that the organisation looks for roles for you. After all, you are a superb performer, have clearly articulated your career aspirations, are working at the next level, and you build leaders as you grow.

6. Delegate. Delegate. Delegate. You have super powers, but doing everything should not be one of them. You can not do everything. More important you should not do everything. You need to know what is happening, not do it yourself, even if doing the work yourself would just be so much faster, better, stronger, higher. You don't want to be a bottleneck limiting your teams ability to get more done. Teach and delegate. Have your control and recovery mechanisms in place. If you manage this well, you will suddenly find you have more time. More time to plan your career move.

7. You are smart. That may mean you need to communicate more. Many smart people tend not to communicate enough. It is almost as if they believe that if they can understand themselves, so can others. As leaders we need to be able to communicate with a wide variety of people. People who have different interests, intent and drivers. A single style, your own style, will only ensure that people, often the doers, won't understand what they need to action.

8. Ensure you get the right feedback. Not generic feedback. Not criticism. Real feedback. And what is real feedback? Feedback that is specific & actionable. When you get feedback ensure you ask or categorise it into 3 areas:

What should you start doing and why?

What should you stop doing?

What should you continue doing?

9. Don't wait till you are 100% ready before taking the job. If I am 100% ready for a job when I take it on, chances are, that I will be bored with it in a few short weeks or months. My advice? Take on a job when you don't know how you are going to achieve what needs to be done. It's the thrill of the chase, of learning, of achieving what you didn't know was possible, that should excite and motivate. Waiting till you have all the experience listed in a job description, will give others the change to take what you want while you are scampering around the edges. 

Korea Stories - Part 3 - #MadAboutFlowers

I've been back for 5 days and I am still fangirling South Korea. There is so much I have seen, experienced and learned. Expect more posts about #SouthKorea. 

This blog is all about how South Koreans are #MadAboutFlowers. And so am I.

I noticed the flowers first on the highway drive between Incheon Airport to Gimpo Airport. I am sure, now, that there were flowers in the airport, but my sleepy fogged out brain did not register it. 

On the drive between the two airports I noticed bright flowers on the safety railings on the side of the road, and I thought, "so pretty".  

In no way did the trip between airports, prepare me for the riot of colors, forms & structures of flower arrangements that I was going to see in Korea.

I soon noticed that there were flowers on lampposts, in huge cauldrons on streets, and in baskets in front of shops & cafes.


Large road crossings have flower arrangements as do bridges. Solely for the pleasure of citizens and tourists.

Then there are the parks and gardens. Every city has these green zones. Consciously planned and planted to be more than just the lungs of the city. They are planted , maintained,  manicured artistically and color co-ordinated for people to enjoy, relax, and.... take pictures.

Even more elaborate are the arrangements in the temple complexes. A feast for the eyes that needs a dedicated post.

Every house / apartment / dwelling has flowers. On windowsills, on the side of driveways & doors, in gardens big and some seriously handkerchief sized. 

It looks like every Korean home has someone with a green thumb. 

Even the Ginseng Museum had a bouquet carved out of ginseng. 

Truly, they are #MadAboutFlowers. 

In a good way. In a fun way. In a way the gives pleasure.

The interesting thing I noticed was that the gargantuan volume of flowers are in pots. No one, literally, no one, ever picked up and walked away with a pot. No one plucked a flower. 

Unlike what happens so often in Indian parks and public spaces. Every time I walk in the park at home, there will be people who pluck flowers for pooja, depriving everyone, other than themselves and their God, the pleasure of nature's bounty. 

I am going to come back to this post just to enjoy the colors and remember how they made me feel.

These photos were taken in autumn. Summer must be a dream.

Korea Stories - Part 2 - The Best Buddhist Temple Food

One of the big tourist attractions in Korea is a Buddhist Temple stay. It is a way to immerse yourself in the life of a monk for a few hours or a few days. While I did not do this, I did the second best thing - had the most sumptuous Buddhist temple food at Sanchon (http://www.sanchon.com/home/index.php)

Travelling and eating in Korea for a vegetarian is difficult. So, to find Sanchon was a blessing. It is tucked away in a by-lane off Insadong main market street. Our taxi driver had to call the restaurant and someone came to the market street to escort us. Here is a map to help you find the place (Red marks the spot, green is Insadong market street)

Inside, the first thing I was asked to do was wash my hands. I spent more time looking at the sink and porcelain figures, absorbing the feel of green vegetation shadows thru gentle sunlight and inhaling deeply the pure smell of rice cooking and less time on washing my hands in cold clear water.

Sanchon has a fixed 4 course vegetarian meal for lunch. Each course has a minimum of 5 items. Starting with pine tea that tasted more like wine :-)

and ending with cinnamon tea and 4 types of fritters.

This meal for 2 is sumptuous and way too much to eat in one sitting, so be ready to loosen your belt in the middle of the meal. Also, walking down Insadong street for a couple of hours after the meal helps a bit! Here are some photos of the dishes. 

There is also a hot soup that comes bubbling to the table.

Sanchon's ambience is calming - obviously an aid to tasting flavours, experiencing textures, appreciating the temperature differences of the dishes, taking in the vibrant colors, and not to forget, digestion.

Even the restroom is beautiful, filled with original art.

There is a little store on the side, where you can buy some of the dry foods you just ate - fritters, chips, seaweed, etc. And bowls, chopsticks, local artifacts.

Sanchon is owned by a former 

Buddhist monk Jungsan Kim Yun-sik, who was a monk for 17 years. As a monk he learned to cook temple food and has curated the best temple cusines from accross Korean monestries to create the menu.

Note: This meal is expensive, but so worth every penny, cent, paise, won or any other currency you may be familier with.

Korea Stories - Part 1

So impressed with South Korea! 4 days here and I am already recommending it as a lace to vacation. Why? 

It starts with the beginning of the journey.

1. Korean Airlines aircraft and staff. Seats and screens are bigger. There is more legroom. And every seat has a USB port to plug in a device - even small domestic flights. Our international flight was not full so the staff booked passengers in thier seat-of-choice and well spread apart so that everyone could have a vacant seat next to them. 

2. Easy airport transfers. They think about what people need and plan for it. From quick and easy baggage retrieval to portable wifi rental to transfers between international and  domestic airport, via an amazingly comfortable dot-on-time limolusine bus. All payments are electronic so no need for money exchange / cash.

3. Helpful. Tho' language is a problem if you don't know Korean. People are helpful. They will walk with you to show you where to go. Or another patron will jump in to help translate. Or one staff member will ask a colleage to interpret our English (or the crazy, often epeleptic gestures we make).

4. Food. If you are a vegetarian life is gonna be more than tough. Say "No beef, no pork, no chicken, no fish, no shrimp, no meat. Only vegetables." In that order. Find a local to write it out in Korean. There is amazing vegetarian Korean food. Mainly side dishes, but so flavourful that it can be a main meal.

5. Flowers. They are everywhere. In gardens (including potted gardens). In parks. On shop counters. In large pots on sidewalks. On bridges. Even in pots hung on the side of the road. 

I am here in autumn and can only imagine the riot of colors in summer.

More on my trip soon in another post.

Deepawali 2019

This Deepawali, may we appreciate, protect and grow the light of nature in our lives. The real dhan (wealth) we have. May this wealth grow by leaps and bounds.

When we'll meet again

We'll meet again when celebration beckons us

We'll meet again when the rhythm of our clocks sync

We'll meet again when we are sad or lonely

We'll meet again when the fancy takes us

We'll meet again when chance brings us to the same place

We'll meet again when our cycles coincide

We'll meet again when friends invite us together

We'll meet again as many times as we can 

The question is not why we'll meet again, but when

We'll meet again

#NaPoWriMoXTTT

We'll meet again : Life and Death

We'll meet again said Life to Death
As she hobbled towards him
Body spent, soul bright.

We'll meet again said Death to little Life
As she flew past him
Too swift and small to catch.

Life's wings flapped furiously
Eager for the many happy moments, till,
Death would catch her
On his lucky day.

#NaPoWriMoXTTT