How to find the right mentor

Over the last 4 years, Diversity Dialogs has trained and coached over 3000 women in middle to senior management. We are often asked, "How do I find the right mentor", or worse still, "How can I get a mentor assigned to me?" 

I believe that the foundation of mentoring is performance. You have to have good performance. Not  outstanding / superlative performance. Good performance is good enough. High performers are often selected by mentors themselves. It is the rest, the good performers, who need to find mentors.

You have to have good performance that showcases your expertise, impact and values, if you want to find a mentor.

Assuming you are a good performer, here are the steps I recommend you follow to find the right mentor. The steps are broken into 3 phases:

• Phase 1: Self-evaluation and Preparation 
• Phase 2: Search and Select 
• Phase 3: Take Action 

Phase 1 : Self-evaluation and Preparation 

Step 1: Be clear about your career aspirations. Write them down. State what you want to achieve in the immediate future, after 2 years and after 5 years. List roles and not statements that just float in ether, like, "I want to do something more challenging" or "I want to lead operations for a more complex customer".  If your aspiration is non-specific, then how can you expect to find a mentor who can help you get to where you want to go ('coz even you don't know where you are going).

A career aspiration is not a designation. It is a role.

You may need to craft a role, if none exists. Design it, garner support, sell it.

But role it must be, as it helps people slot your aspirations within the organization's framework and makes it easily recognisable and relatable.

Step 2: Determine the real gap between your current skills and skills needed for the next and future roles. Conduct a brutally real and honest evaluation. Refer to critical feedback. Request a special evaluation. Have candid conversations with people. 

Also, create a specific list of skills needed for the roles in your career aspirations path.

Underestimating or overestimating the gaps can lead you to waste time in acquiring skills you may not need. Worse still, you may look for and build a relationship with a mentor that does not help you grow your career. 

Don't forget to jot down and share the achievements that highlight your current skills / expertise. They come handy when you want to establish a baseline. 

Step 3: Create and execute a skill gap closure plan. You have to know which skill gaps you can close by learning, or taking on a new/expanded role or project etc. 

You have to take skill building actions to know where are you getting stuck and where you need help. Try solving roadblocks yourself first. When you can't - you've probably narrowed down the areas where you need mentoring. You can not be specific about the situations, your actions, what's worked and not worked. All needed to determine at what level you need mentoring.   

Don't identify more than 3 areas where you need mentoring. Anything more, de-focuses your conversations and efforts. 

Step 4: Flesh out the end objective / outcome of the mentoring relationship. Write a list of questions you would like to answer or outcomes you want to achieve by the end of your mentoring relationship. Get as specific as you can. 

This sets the boundaries of the expectations of the relationship. 

Don't expect your mentor to have a magic pill or wand or crystal ball that will dramatically reveal your needs to them. 

Having clear expectations, also helps you close a mentoring relationship gracefully if you are not getting what you want.

Mentoring is not an unending, forever relationship tho' at the end of it you may become friends. When that happens the the relationship moves into the realm of friendship. 

Friends can be (and often should be) mentors. Mentors do not have to be friends.

Phase 2: Search and Select

Now that you know where you need help, the specific areas, you can go out to find someone who you would like to be mentored by.

Step 5: Create a list of people you admire for the display and impact of the skills you are looking for. These have to be people in your network. People who you have helped. People who who have benefitted from your successes or capabilities. Only if you have given in some way can you expect to receive in return. 

 Expecting to be mentored by someone who does not know you, is a pipe dream. It's not going to happen.   

If there is no one in your network who meets your criteria, then go out to cultivate them. Help them. Showcase what you are capable of. Yes, this will take time, but it's better than nothing. 

Some organizations assign mentors to people. I suggest you not rely on that. You have to Take Charge© of your career and find the right mentor for you. When someone in HR finds you a mentor, they will find someone they think will give you, what they think you need, & someone who they think (again!) will gel with you. Do you really want to rely on what someone else thinks about you or do you want to depend on knowing yourself well? 

Always have a Plan B (and possibly a Plan C). The first person you choose is not always going to be able to help you. So have list of the top 3 people you would like as mentors in each area. 

Mentors are not necessarily people who are senior to you in an organization. 

Depending on what you need to be mentored on, the mentor could be someone junior in age or experience. Look for people with superlative, demonstrated skills  in your area of need.

Step 6: Determine what you can offer them. A relationship is not worth it if there is no give and take. When you are selecting a mentor, be clear about what you can offer them. This means you need to understand them well, know what they are doing, challenges they face, tasks that they could or would like to be relieved off, etc. Research them well.

Be ready with more than one helping / giving option.

Weave this into the conversation vs asking your mentor if you can help them with something. 

Phase 3: Take Action     

Step 7: Ask for what you want. Not, "I would like you to mentor me" or "Will you be my mentor?" Throwing out a generic comment like that does pull anyone into a relationship. 

It's better to ask for specific help (remember you jotted some things down in Step 4?) Set expectations clearly. This also helps your mentor understand the time and effort they need to invest and what the exit conditions or criteria are.

For example, if you want to be mentored in public speaking you could tell them that you want to establish your expertise by speaking at a seminar. Then ask  what helped them become a called-upon speaker. How did they start? What strengths and connections did they use? What strengths or connections should you be leveraging? What pitfalls should you be careful of? Share what you have done in the area of public speaking. What's worked and what hasn't.

Step 8: Sign a contract. If the help and support you need requires a series of conversations or meetings, create a contract. How often do you want to meet / chat, for how long, where, what time works for both of you, what's the best way to reach out to each other, the outcome of these sessions, etc.  

I have found that my most successful mentoring relationships have been those where we had set clear boundaries, expectations, schedules etc.

Though a contract has responsibilities of both parties, you need to drive it and not your mentor. You are the main beneficiary and you need to take ownership.

The contract does not have to be a written contract. Your word is as good as any signature. 

Step 9: Let them know if you have other mentors. It is quite possible that you may have more than one mentor at a time. Its respectful to let your mentors know that there are others who you are seeking support and advice from. My suggestion is that you not have more than 3 mentors at a time as you may get confused. Also, you may like to work with them on different aspects or skill gaps you.

Step 10: Always do what you promise to do, when you promise to do it, and with the level of quality that your mentor expects. The most insulting thing you can do to a mentor is not to put into action what you have agreed to. And not to report back your progress, successes, and challenges. Mentors can only help if you let them experience how committed you are to growing and how far you have travelled.

Do more than is expected or agreed on. Mentors want to see initiative and your ability to extrapolate from your conversations

Your reputation as a protégé precedes you. If you get a reputation of being someone who can not or does not implement actions, it will tarnish your other relationships and make it harder to find a mentor in the future.

Here are additional tips on how to be a successful protégé