18 Actions To Achieve Personal-Professional Life Balance

Photo:https://www.wholelifechallenge.com

I believe that there are a number of simple actions that I have taken to balance the time and effort I spend on work and at home.

First, I am going to call it Personal-Professional life balance and not work-life balance as it is normally called.

Why?

1. The semantics. "Work-Life Balance" implies that work is not life and life is not work. The term creates a conflict where there should be none. For me, work is life & life is work. What I want is to be able to balance my personal and professional lives.
2. At any given point of time, both cannot be in balance. Sometimes my personal life will need to take center stage - all my mind share, time, effort, focus, money; and sometimes my professional life will take center stage. That's just the way it is. I just Accept it and get on with it!

So How Do I Balance My Personal & Professional Lives?

Mumbai Dubbawallas
Photo: The Hindu

Ensure quality work is delivered on time, every time

It builds credibility. Credibility I learnt, is far more important than the time I get to work or leave work. People at work and home have come to depend on my delivering on promises. Delivering quality can happen anywhere - at work, sitting on the floor outside an ICCU, at a vacation hotspot. For a couple of years our team delivered and billed 15 days in advance so that our entire business unit could close down over Christmas and New Year! We loved it!!

Communicate Availability

I let people know in advance if I am not going to be available - whether it is 3 days attending a Strategy Meeting or half-a-day for a doctor's visit. This helps us all plan for completion and/or approvals well in advance of my "unavailable" time. My teams also know that I do not want to be disturbed during this time and that they will get delayed responses. If we are in the middle of a super critical project, I plan a check-in time and number.

Communicate Response Times

I let people know when they can expect a response from me. And I stick to maintaining these response times! From letting my household staff know exactly when they will get the advance pay they asked for, to a 24-hour response time on emails. Communicating expected response time cuts down on useless reminder calls / emails and prevents people from calling me to check whether I have received and read an email or report and what my response is.

My Outlook calendar can look like this
on any given Monday!

Put everything on one calendar

Calendars are great tools. They help us plan and schedule work in offices. I use my calendar to schedule personal work too - from dinner with friends to payment due dates of bills to shopping expeditions and vacations. Not only does it let me see all that I have committed to do, but also helps me allocate time judiciously. I share my calendar with my teams so that they are aware of time that I have blocked off, and they respect and appreciate it.

Plan and communicate me-time

Both at work or at home, I plan and announce to people that I am spending time on thinking, or research, or whatever it is that I need time for. I plan for time to read, or write or catch up on sleep. And everyone is told that this is my time and not to disturb me. I have an unwritten rule, that gives me 30 mins alone time after I get home from work. I use this time to take a shower or read or watch TV. At office I block-off several hours a week to read or do research.

Phone covers are very useful  

Avoid your phone

I often work with my phone on silent or face down / cover shut, so that I am not disturbed by calls or flashing alerts. I have a different ringtone for calls from immediate family - set to ring even when on silent. At off-times, my teams (including supervisors) know that they can call me in a certain window iff "the building is burning down". I avoid looking at my phone when out meeting friends or shopping or watching a movie. I don't answer every call I get if I am already engaged with someone or something.

Return calls / messages when convenient to you

As I don't pick up my phone every time it rings, or read messages immediately when I am focusing on work (personal or professional), I make a point of reading / responding to calls that I have missed 2-3 times in a day. People know this and respect it.

Be connected without being a slave to work or home

Technology must work for me vs take over my life. I get the technology I need to connect "at will". I use technology to listen to music whilst I work or clear emails when a flight is delayed. I have ordered dinner for guests scheduled to arrive at home at the same time as me - I was just coming from another city! I shut down my computer when at home. And every time I reach for it, I ask myself, "Do I really need to boot up my machine?". The answer is often, "No."

Avoid working on weekends and off-time / bringing work home

I define work-free times (evenings, mornings, weekends). At these times, even if I am on my laptop or using my phone, and I can see that there are many unread messages on my official email or WhatsApp groups, I do not open them. It takes a lot of will power! When I want to work at home, I ask the question "Does this really need to be done now?" It’s the same question I ask if I want to do personal work at the office.

Avoid hanging around the office

I don't hang around the office just because my boss is there or for a phone call from an overseas customer. I leave when I have finished work. I take late night & early morning calls from home. Customers have happily conferenced me into calls when I have told then how late or early it will be with the time difference. If I am hanging around the office after finishing for the day, it is to connect with friends and chat.

Say "No"

I cannot do everything. I have to say "No" both at work and at home. I have said "No" to new projects or to entertaining relatives on weekdays. It's better to say "No" than to find that I am unable to deliver. Why keep the door ajar for guilt to waltz in and stay for free?

Prepare the night before or the weekend before

If I have a very hectic week ahead, I do take a few hours off from my personal time to prepare for a mad week or clear my emails so that I have no pending work to nag me. It is well worth it. It helps me sleep well on Sunday night. The same works for the day / night before a big presentation.

Stick to a sleep, exercise, eat routine

I have been asked if I can take a call at 5:30am in the morning (from someone on the West Coast, USA) and I have said "No. I will be out for a walk then. Can we make it an hour later?". I have said no to calls that clash with the time I spend with my father, or dinner time at home. I find that if we give people alternate times to call / meet so that we can stick to our routine, they understand and are willing to be flexible. We've just gotta ask!

Respect others' personal time

If I want people to respect my time - personal or professional time, then I need to respect their time. I avoid calling colleagues, about work, on a weekend or holiday. I also learnt the hard way, not to send emails on a weekend or holiday. I once noticed that my program managers were responding to my emails on weekends. When I asked them why, they told me that I sent emails on weekends and hence they thought they were expected to respond. I was horrified that they logged in on Sunday mornings just to respond to my emails! I soon learnt to keep emails in my outbox or drafts folder, so that they could be sent out on a Monday morning.

Understand the company's policy on flex-work / work-from-home / telecommuting

Many companies have policies that allow for work flexibility. It’s worth spending time reading and understanding these policies & their applicability. Telecommuting even a day a week can add hours to the time you have to spend on personal work. Just remember, the better a performer you are, the better the chances that you will be able to avail of these policies.

Stop wanting perfection

Super-woman / superman are fictional characters. We are bombarded with ads and messages on being "Super" whatever-the-gender! And that makes us believe that we all need to be "Super". It is impossible to do everything right all the time. I have missed movies and concerts and networking events. I have pushed guilt away when I miss these. And that's OK!

Co-opt / commandeer help

I don't believe that I have to do it all. And I am not going to be a martyr to the cause of the do-it-all super-woman. So I try to co-opt people to help - spouse, parent, paid help - basically whoever it takes to be able to give me more time for myself. I also believe that co-opting children to do chores is a great idea. My mom rostered our chores - cooking, washing clothes, laying and clearing the table, cleaning bathrooms, dusting, sweeping and swabbing, et al. She has even paid us to iron our own clothes. I think I am a better person because of it!

Nurture a hobby

It does not matter what it is. It just has to be something you are passionate about. I have even had on-and-off hobbies (stitching and baking) and consistent hobbies (reading) over the years. A hobby for me is something that I do for myself and not others. Something that makes me forget the passage of time. I am now planning to sort thru the boxes and boxes of stamps I have - another possible hobby? :-) Whatever the hobby is, I believe that my time and effort spent on it is as important as anything else in my life.

I am happy because.......I say I am happy

Courtesy The Huffington Post

I have been asked why I always seem happy.  How do I always have a smile on my face? Why can my laughter be heard across a room? Why is there always a lot of noise, clatter, loud voices wherever I am? Normally, when I hear these questions I just smile them away. 

But seriously, let me think about happiness. 

With a smile!

What is happiness?  To me it is a state where I believe that everything is fine.  Everything is fine. Its all OK. Life, love, weather, traffic, weight, age, family, friends.  Literally, everything!

That does not mean that there aren’t times when things are not OK.

Yes, I get sad, angry, worried, panicked, irritated, hassled, stressed and a whole host of negative emotions. And yes they stay with me for some time. I have been depressed and battled that for weeks and months. But by and large I am happy.  Why?

I Let the Unhappiness Out! As often as I can.

When I have negative emotions, I "let them out" with all the expressiveness I am known for. I curse in my head; and that is a big thing for me. Remember, I belong to a generation where ladies were taught not to curse.  Yes, the generation after the one, where ladies fainted on hearing the word "damn".  Yet I curse!  Curse in my head, argue with myself, scream at the walls, wet my pillow, let my tears mingle with the shower, plot revenge. I recall smaller hurts that pile up over a period of time.  I may have let them out then, but if they still linger, I let them out again! I let them out as often as I can. Just let them go! 

Not to another person, but to myself.

Not to another person, for that, many times in the corporate world, would make me seem weak.

Not to another person, for they are not living my life and may not be able to understand.

Not to another person, for they should not be burdened by my unhappiness.

All I Have is the Here and Now. So I Enjoy It!

Courtesy Meenu Iyer

Most of the time, I am happy.  I think I am happy because I like the here and now.  It's the only place I can be.

The past is the past. Neither you nor I can change it. We can wish we behaved differently. We can wish we can change it.  We can’t.  We never could nor can we in the future.

The future is far ahead. I can’t bet on something happening in the future as I do not know all the variables and drivers that impact a future outcome. I try not to expect too much of the future.  If it brings me something I want / need, then I am happy.  If it doesn’t, as I did not expect much, I am less sad.

The only real, tangible thing I have is the here and now.  This moment, this hour, this day, even at a stretch, this week. What I do today, like writing this post, or following-up on something, or pre-work for my next assignment, or deciding the menu for dinner when friends are over this Saturday. This is all I can do. Nothing more and nothing less. So, I enjoy doing it.  I can learn doing it. I can feel proud completing something of quality well within time.

But, There IS a Future! So I Try to Plan for an Unpredictable Future.

Not worrying about the future does not mean don’t plan for it. I know I can’t plan for everything, so I choose 2 things - financial security and health.

Courtesy www.unl.edu

I started working with a financial consultant only ~12 years ago, but at least now I know where I stand. This financial security is largely helped by not being in debt and not pursuing expensive habits. Also, I don’t plan to leave money or property for the next generation.  I don’t want to die rich. I want to live rich.

I struggle with health.  All my life I have struggled with weight. I was born an 8lb 8oz baby and never really managed to be a healthy weight. But I exercise as often as I can, I try to eat healthy. I have tried dieting a gazillion times. But none are sustainable. Does it make me unhappy?  Sure it does. But, will I get there? Someday. Someday I will.       

I, Me, Myself

My happiness lies in me. I am constantly working for others, both at work and at home. There are targets to be met, restructuring to be done, policies to be reviewed, homes to run, illnesses to deal with, inconsistent household help, groceries to be bought, bank accounts to be balanced. Sudden demands of me and my time. I do what I can.  I am not trying to win the “Super Woman Award”. I cannot do everything.

What I can do is invest in myself, for nothing matters if I am not happy. Whether it is reading, or watching TV, or chatting with people, or going out dancing with my friends. I am important. So important, that I spend money, time, effort on myself. And try not to feel guilty about it.

When I Am Happy And I Know It……

I let everyone know I am happy. Much like the Pharrell Williams song "Happy".

I chat.  I smile.  I laugh.  I pull a leg. I tell a joke. I share a story.  I let the child in me come out.

If I die tomorrow, I don’t want to have regrets.  I will have worries, of things not completed.  But as far as possible - no regrets.  I have done what I could do.  Been the best I could be with both the monster and angel in me.

I tell myself I am happy

So I am happy

What's The Big Deal About Vacations??

Staircase between library and church,
or "A stairway to heaven", Melk Abbey, Austria

Till I was in my late 30s I never understood the intense focus on vacations. I wondered why it was so critical for people to go on vacations?  What were they running away from? What were they speeding towards?

The first ~15 years of my working life, I did not take a vacation.  I took time off for medical reasons, care giving, and for my honeymoon. But not to have a holiday. I did not have any vacation time. I just didn't feel the need.

Why?

I also think I was having a great time at work. It was a load of fun.  It was exciting.  I was learning something new all the time. I loved it. I woke up in the morning and wanted to go to work.

Guarding the Grand Palace
Bangkok, Thailand  

I also had pretty-much zero vacation days for "frivolous" holidays. People looked at me strangely and asked "Why haven't you gone on holiday?" or "Why don't you go on vacations?" I'd respond with any reason that popped into my head vs tell them that I'd used up vacation days on care-giving.

It was only in the early 2000s that I decided that I wanted, nay needed, vacations. Because I wanted to experience new places, cultures, food, art, music, and oh! so many other things. I was also doing a job I loved in a stressful environment.

But sadly on many vacations, I cleared email everyday. On some I have created PowerPoint presentations and chaired or participated in conference calls. As if my workplace would collapse without me being there. What a load of bull!!

Blue Mosque, Istanbul, Turkey

It took me time to realize that vacations were meant to give me, yes ME, a change of scene and pace. A time to do something different. Move out of my comfort zone, to experience the new. To learn and appreciate the diverse.  To seek to understand.  To learn something about myself. So I created......

My Rules for Vacations

1. Visit "opposite land".  If life has been hectic then vacation in a place that is quiet and laid back. If life has been dull, seek an adventure vacation.  The more dramatic the difference more I appreciate both the non-vacation and the vacation time.
2. Visit only 1-3 cities in a week - spend time to immerse myself in a city / town / village and get a real feel for it.
3. Find a place that does not have a mobile connection.  Or be very disciplined about calls I take.  This is “me” time and I am investing in it – so no distractions.
4. Travel with no more than 3 other people – more people means a loss of intimacy – and hence a loss in my ability to absorb the new. 
5. Walk as much as possible.  I can't get a the flavor and essence of a

   

   Colosseum, Rome, Italy

   place if I am stuck in a cab or a hotel or a museum all the time.  I like walking thru small lanes and avenues and chancing upon parks, statues, children on the way to school, weddings, receptions, open wet markets; oh a hundred different things.
6. Go off the beaten track.  There is no use seeing what some travel book has already talked about and where I will come across only other tourists.  I want to discover things for myself.
7. But don't miss the local sights and sounds that I have to see.  I don't want to miss a wonder of the world or a famous landmark in my pursuit of an awesome off-the-beaten-track little bazaar or castle or house or church.
8. Eat a good breakfast.  I normally book a hotel after checking out whats going to be served for breakfast.  A good breakfast and keep me walking and exploring for hours.
9. While walking thru a city, carry healthy snacks. Yogurt, seasonal local fruit such as apples / peaches / pears, juices. Eating in a local restaurant with local fare is another way to absorb local culture.  
10. Travel Light - who cares if photographs show clothes that are
    repeated? I'd rather have space to bring back that beautiful porcelain plate or cut glass or mask or painting.
11. Stay at a place that is central – it’s worth being able to come back to a hotel / B&B to take a shower and a nap and head out again. 
12. Go local – food, vocabulary, buses / trams, clothes, places of worship, open / wet bazaars…..what better way to understand how we are all alike and yet unique! 
13. Don't try to do 20 things in 2 days. Do a few things and do them well (sort of like the 1-3 cities rule). Vacations are not corporate life where we have goals and metrics to meet.
14. If you are leaving dependents at home.  Find the best caregiver you can, and don't keep calling them to find how things are! They'll call you if they need help.

Vacation Wishes

La Sagrada Familia, Barcelona, Spain

Now I want to go on  more vacations and I can't being a primary caregiver.  The vacations I want?

1. An all girl vacation
2. A road trip vacation
3. A vacation by myself
4. A vacation where I can skydive / parachute / ride a hot air balloon
5. Vacations to experience new places - The Forbidden Palace and Great Wall of China, The Great Barrier Reef (Australia), Bali (Indonesia), Alaska, Procida (Italy), Pakistan (Yes, Pakistan), Bangladesh, Vietnam, Morocco, New York City, St. Petersburg, all of Australia, New Zealand, Africa, South America (specially Machu Picchu in Peru, Buenos Aires in Argentina, Guatemala, Mexico,...................) 
6. Vacations to see and experience again places I love - Prague, London, Venice, Barcelona, Provence, Trinidad & Tobago, Jamaica, Goa, Athens
7. Vacations to learn dance
8. Vacations to write
9. Vacation to recover from a vacation!!!

Interestingly, I have vacationed in 11 of the 25 TripAdvisor Traveler's Destinations for 2015. 

I still have so much ground to cover, on and off the beaten track!

Saying “Sorry” is Just Not Enough

We all screw up.  We all make mistakes. Some of us more often than others. Some mistakes are made knowingly and some creep up on us. Some are small and some are monumental.  Some cause minor aches and some causing serious damage.  Not just to customers, but also to people, and often to the company.

I have made all these types of mistakes.

I believe that when confronted with the knowledge that a mistake has been made, I have two choices. Either I can be defensive, deny the mistake, and take no responsibility for it, or I can own up to it and take corrective action.

I believe that if I am really sorry, I need to do more than just say “Sorry”.  Here is what I have done - some or all of them - depending on the severity of the mistake.

1. Admit the mistake. I need to first admit to myself that there has been a mistake.  I have to wade thru the “It wasn’t me alone”, the “but the environment made it so”, or the “there was nothing else I could do” scenarios.  I have to reject any excuses that popup in my head.  “I am sorry for xxx. That happened because of yyy”, is not accepting that I have made a mistake! Whatever be the reasons for the mistake, I need to admit to myself first that they were made, and then plan on how to admit it to those who have been affected by the mistake.
2. Feel Remorse. When I make a mistake I feel embarrassed.  I feel
   
   ashamed. Physically, I feel a dull ache in my gut.  I feel my face flushing.  But all this is not feeling remorse. Remorse is much more – it is when I put myself in someone else’s shoes, and feel the impact of my mistake on them, and thru that empathy find a way or ways to fix the impact of my mistake, even if it costs me.  Remorse hurts at many levels.  And it should.
3. Find the right place (quiet and private). Feeling is all well and good, but the person / persons who are affected by my mistake need to know that I am truly sorry for the mistake.  The best is to find a quiet place, one that is private and apologize.  Meeting / conference rooms are great, if you don’t want to go to someone’s cabin (for fear that you may be asked to leave even before you get to really apologizing).
4. Find the right time to apologize. I have often chosen to apologize to someone after they have had coffee or lunch – I find that a full stomach helps them be more receptive.  Apologizing at the end of a tiring day is a bad idea.  For me and the person I am apologizing to.
5. Do it in Person. Always apologize in person (if you can).  Don't hide behind an email or a phone line.  And for someone like me, who finds writing sometimes easier than talking, this is a hard one.  I have often written my apologies, not to send, but to practice what to say face-to-face. If I am unsure of how to apologize, I spend hours going over the situation and what could be said, in my head.  It is, real, virtual role playing.
6. Look people in the eye while apologizing.  Yes, apologizing is hard.  It makes me feel vulnerable, admit to others that I am vulnerable. I want to avoid it. I normally want to run away, or hope that the ground opens up and swallows me.  But there is no way to avoid apologizing if I want to learn and grow from my mistakes.  So, no looking at the floor. No shifting from foot to foot. I stand / sit straight, shoulders back, hands clasped behind my back or on my lap, and lock eyes. 
7. Understand why the mistake happened. Mistakes happen for a variety of reasons. I have found the best way to understand why I made a mistake is to do a root cause analysis, and understand the drivers that led to the mistake.  Often, it helps having a friend or coach ask me the right questions so that I can get to the real reasons. Sometimes I will follow the 5 why drill-down method till I get to the real reason/s. 
8. Acknowledge how it has affected the person/s who is impacted. State how it has affected them.  Saying “I know that you have been affected by…..” is not enough.  I find that when I am specific about what I believe to be the impact on others, the better my learning from the situation. So saying “I know that my mistake embarrassed you in front of …..” or “I know I cost the company to lose xxx rupees” acknowledges real impact.
   
9. Make amends. While apologizing, I state what I will do to fix the situation.  These are specific actions.  There are also details of resources or help needed.  Ideally, I have timelines for most actions and I will state them.  I want my amends to be real amends. And I want people to know that I have thought it thru and a firm idea and focus on how to fix it.
10. Listen to what they have to say, for I may have got it wrong. It is possible, and it has happened with me, that the reason for a mistake, or, how it has impacted people has been off the mark.  I have had to take a step back, and rethink the whys and hence the real impact of the mistake.  This makes the time to complete an apology-and-amends longer, but so be it. I don’t know it all. I don’t understand it all.
11. Express my intent to change. This is a toughie.  This is the phase where I acknowledge what I need to do to change myself.  What I need to do more of (utilizing my strengths) and less of (avoiding my blind spots or shining a light on them). Some of these are so personal that I don’t say them out loud.  But telling people what I want to change, helps me change faster for I have their support.
12. Ask for forgiveness.  Literally. When I say the words, I see the difference it makes. And if I don’t get a response, I think it is OK to ask if I am forgiven. But I have to be ready for someone to say “No” or that it will take time. I can’t expect instant forgiveness. I have to remember that I have hurt someone and that it is always takes time to recover from hurt. Also, actions and behavior over a period of time is the best way to prove that things are really changing. 
13. Express why I am grateful that they are a part of my life. An apology is always more effective if the affected party understands that I need them in my life, whether professionally or personally. It also helps them invest time and energy in the process of fixing a mistake, in helping me change and grow.  It also helps me get a real response to “Tell me what I can do to make amends.”
14. Learn to never make the mistake again.  Understanding the real reasons for a mistake, and then making amends, with the help of the affected people, helps me learn how not to make the same mistake again. I want my amends to be lifelong.  I want them to change me.

It is how I say and show that I am sorry, it is how I fix mistakes and learn never to make them again, that makes the difference.

Saying “Sorry” is not enough!

Our Parents Need Time Too. Indian Companies, are you Listening?

http://news.bbc.co.uk

I smile as I read the recent news of companies like Microsoft, Netflix and Adobe, instituting inclusive (and what to most Indians will look like very benevolent) leave policies for new parents.  

Unlimited / Generous Paternity Leave Announced

These companies have recognized that there is a need for both parents, male and female, to take time off from work when they have a new baby.  Or adopt one.  Or become a foster parent.  They recognize that to retain highly valued talent, they need to help them tide over the critical 1^st year of a baby by being very generous with the leave that they can avail.  And they have made these policies inclusive by enabling men to take time off when they have a new baby in the family. 

There are of course, Indian companies or subsidiaries of MNCs who have paternity leave that range from a pathetic 2 days to a couple of weeks.  But the companies that are listed above have taken this to another level. 

And this makes me smile.  

Finally, diversity is not all about exclusive programs for women, but inclusive programs (albeit skewed more towards women).  Will this policy attract and retain good people? On the face of it, yes. And please, do give them a chance. I believe that it will work and it is something to celebrate.

Paternity Leave is great.  But what about Elder Care Leave?

July 2015: Anna sleeps in Delhi heat and humidity
during the 5 hours it took @CGHS
to apply to transfer his card to Delhi

Then I start thinking about the care of the elderly.  I have often said that looking after an elderly person, and that too one with a degenerative disease, like my father’s, is akin to looking after a child.  

Whereas with a child, parents live with the joy and hope that soon their child will grow and become more independent, there is no such joy and hope for a person who looks after an elderly patient parent/s.  The parent/s will become more frail and dependent till finally death takes them.  A child will live with parents for many, many years but an elderly patient parent will be with us for only a short time.

So why, I ask, have no companies, or governments for that matter thought of instituting “Parent Care Leave”? Leave that I could have availed to look after my father, who has Parkinson’s Disease, Dementia, & Diplopia, vs giving up a full time job.  Leave that I could have used to ensure that I spend quality time with my father vs spending ~4 hours travelling each day to and from Gurgaon.   Leave that I can avail when my father is rushed to hospital and needs care.  Leave that would enable me to manage the financial constraints that not earning puts on a family, especially when I am the only earning member.

Using Parent Care Leave

Since 2011, I have not had a vacation. All my leave days have been used in visiting and caring my father when he was with my siblings and then looking after him when he moved to Delhi in 2014. 

Anna (in yellow) with his younger brother
(KV Krishnamurthy in blue),
Anna's housekeeper & attendant (in green)

In 2014, I brought my father to Delhi to take over care-giving from my siblings. I had to set up a separate, fully functional flat for him.  I was working a full-time job then and had to take PL (privileged leave)and Casual Leave (CL) to fly to Bangalore, pack up and transport his household to Delhi.  Not to mention the many hours after work and two marathon weekends, unpacking and setting up the house.  Hours and days finding him household help, attendants, doctors, therapists, et al. 

I couldn’t relax on a weekend or take a day’s vacation, as I needed the leave to fly him to Delhi, settle him in, and reserve some days for potential hospital stays.  And there were hospital stays, midnight emergencies, hallucinations and delusions that had to be managed on the phone.  All while spending a minimum of 12.5 hours on travel and work.  Not to mention looking after my home and my husband’s elderly parents, who are 91 and 80 respectively.

So, in the end I stopped working.  There was no other choice. There is only so much I could do in a 24-hour day.  And when the choice came down to working or looking after 2 homes and 3 elderly people, I chose care-giving.  It was a no-brainer. 

I thought that I would take a few months off, settle things down and then re-join the workforce.  Wishful thinking, at it’s best!  A new job, meant new commitments, proving myself over again, longer hours, travel, etc.  

Added to this, is the fact that with the elderly there is no predictability.  An upset stomach can send someone to the hospital and time to recover could be 5 times longer than it is for someone in their 50s.  So in the end I decided against a full-time job.  I decided to do something that would give me energy - consulting in areas of interest and coaching organization leaders.   

Tho’ this is my unique challenge, I believe that parent care is going to be a real problem in a few years.  The great “demographic dividend”, that we talk about so proudly today, will become our country’s super senior citizens in 35 years.  Already, nine states in India have lower fertility rates than the highly developed countries of the world i.e. lower than 2.1 which is considered the replacement rate.  Our old age dependency ratio will nearly triple from 13% in 2000 to 32.8% in 2050 i.e. 1 of every 3 working Indians will have to take care of an elderly person by 2050.

While the government is still wrapping its arms around how to get the maximum benefit from the great demographic dividend, I hope they will think of changes to our healthcare and wellness programs to manage a large elderly population. 

But, let’s not leave everything in the hands of a government.  Can some forward-thinking company look at how to retain some of its most experienced people (normally in their 50s), by helping them take time off to look after the same parents who got leave when the child (me & you) were born?

I am asking for the institution of Parent Care Leave. 

That’s not outrageous.  It’s just reality.

First published in The Quint on 14th Aug 2015

What I Would Love To Hear In A Mid Year Review!

The first six months of the year are over and if you work in an organization with a well documented performance management process, then you will be getting ready for a mid year review with your supervisor.  

End of year reviews are bad enough, and now we have to bear mid year reviews too? Yes, you do!

I know performance reviews are stressful. Stressful for both for supervisors and for their team members. But I believe that they can be made less stressful by asking the right questions and truly having a dialogue between partners.

In this post I am going to share with you what I wish my supervisors would have told me during my performance reviews, whether good or bad. Perhaps this can help you with your review.

"I have read the performance review docket / xls you sent me" - from my earliest days I have always sent my supervisor a complete docket with details of my performance against goals.  When I come for a meeting, I want to know that you have read it, that you have paid attention to me.

"You have achieved  xxxx.... in these 6 months" - even in a bad year (and I have had those), there has to be something that I have done well.  Enumerate these.  Tell me that I have done good work, that I have contributed, how it has helped you and the team.

"Lets go thru your specific achievements against goals to see what could have been better or needs more focus or....." - I know that there is critical developmental feedback you want to give me. I know you are using the softer "right" words, so let me have the pleasure of hearing them vs being told that "you have done / achieved precious little" or some such remark.

Ask me the right questions to help me solve issues in areas where goals have not been met. Don't tell me what to do.  Help me find my own solutions. Guide me down the path.

Shine a light on goals that may be at risk - you have a view to the bigger picture. If there are risks / challenges that may hinder my achievements, talk to me about them, help me plan for them, avoid them.

"Your 3 biggest strengths are......" - I may know my strengths and be very confident about stating them, but I also like hearing them from you. Tell me where you have observed my strengths in action. Talk to me about how you would like to leverage my strengths.

"Last time we spoke about......" - Do reference earlier conversations we have had on what I want to do, so that I know you are paying attention and care. Share with me where you think I am on that journey.

Don't compare me with others in the team - I am an individual and unique. I am not your A-Player's clone. Tell me how I am unique and how I can use that uniqueness.  

"What help do you need from me" - Ask me what I need from you.  How can you help me achieve more.  Not just goals, but also longer term career objectives, building relationships with others, projects / opportunities.

"You wanted to work on a new project / move to a new function, etc. Are you getting closer?" - Ask me if I believe I am moving closer to my next career objective. If not, what should I do to get there.  What can you do to get me there.

"I need you to help us with...." - Tell me where I can help you or others in the team.  Give me the opportunity to show that I can do something outside the normal. Let me be a partner.

"I'd like to hear your feedback on me" - ask me for feedback. Take me seriously.  Understand that this is a give and take relationship.  And that if we are honest with each other we make a better team.

"Is there anything else you would like to talk about, or tell me, that we have not already covered?" -  Dialogue with me.  Give me an equal opportunity to participate in my performance review, to cover something that you may not have thought of or asked. 

For those of you who have supervisors who don't ask you the critical questions you want to answer or don't dialogue with you or don't prepare for your meeting, I say.... 

Take charge of your performance review.  Help your supervisor ask or discuss what is critical for you.

After all, it is your performance review and not theirs.  

Take charge - Own it. Grab it.

Wisdom of a Taxi Driver

Airbus A321 from www.bangaloreaviation.com

During a 4am cab ride to Bangalore airport this morning, the driver tells me, “Ma’am, there is no such thing as mother tongue.  We are not born speaking our mother’s language. We learn to speak the language of our mother’s, homes, neighborhoods, and schools. So why is our country divided based on language?  What difference does it make whether I speak Kannada and you speak Hindi?  A Tamilian in India is Indian and a Tamilian in Sri Lanka is a Sri Lankan. India comes first, not language.”

WOW!

I agree.  Then he goes on to say that perhaps when a person lives and works in Karnataka, they should be called a Kannadiga no matter which part of the country they come from, for this is the state that they work in to make better. So tho’ he was born in Tamil Nadu and would be called a Tamilian, as he works and adds value to Karnataka, he is a Kannadiga.  But above all he is an Indian.

DOUBLE WOW!

We continue to talk about the other things that create boundaries between people - religion, caste, money etc. All of these he believes were never meant to create differences that divide.  Then he says, “How can I be proud of my language or religion or caste, if I look down at another’s? Pride comes from love.  If I truly, in my heart and soul, love my religion, how can I hate my neighbour’s religion?  We speak the same language, eat the same food, bring up our children the same way, and watch the same movies.  We just pray to a God called by another name.”

TRIPLE WOW!

Srinivas the driver, is the owner of a fleet of 5 cars in Bangalore. He decided to drive me himself at 4 am in the morning.  Why? First, he had made a commitment to Sue, my friend, that a car and driver would arrive at 4am to take me to the airport. As he had made a commitment, it had to be delivered.  Second, was the grave responsibility of driving a woman to the airport at 4am.  He believed that he was personally responsible for my safety.  Hence he made the trip himself.

This conversation got me thinking.  Here is a man who has found, and lives, an essence thread of his identity.  That is profound.  And it humbles me to meet such a person. To have the conversation I just described.

Our conversation started on the topic of language because he spoke to me in English and when I used a couple of Kannada words he realized that I knew Kannada. The language created the bond. We were communicating in the familiar. It was comfortable.  The divide of passenger and driver fell away.  The divide of man and woman fell away.  We were just two people exchanging our thoughts.  That’s the common language we need to find in our homes, neighborhoods and offices.

This is a man, whose love for Kannada, made him learn Malayalam.  What?? He says that he loves Kannada so much, that, over a 10 year period of visiting Sabarimalai, he learnt Malayalam to be able to find commonalities between himself and the place of his devotion.  And he found that Malayalam is also a beautiful language. It is rich, it is expressive, and it has the same moods. As are all the other languages he knows – Tamil, Hindi, & English.  

I am amazed.  This man has the values and attitude that we search for when we recruit people into our organizations.  The 2 big ones:

From tasteoflifebysabi.wordpress.com

Respect. Respect for self. Respect for what I know.  And that respect creates respect for others not like himself.  Respect of commitment and ensuring that it is not just met but goes just one tiny step ahead – he had a cool bottle of water for me to drink in the car!

Passion to Learn.  And the drive to learn on his own.  He does not have the luxury of being nominated to training programs to learn.  He just goes out to learn from others, in a non-work environment, at his own time.  What he learned he uses to connect with passengers and his fleet drivers.

If I was recruiting him for a job in corporate India, I wouldn’t blink an eye!  

But better still, 

I vote that Srinivas stand for election and run the government!!