Smart Answers to Stupid Questions - Part 2

I am quite overwhelmed with the number of people who have read and reacted to my 1st post on Smart Answers to Stupid Questions. 

It has encouraged me to continue with my tongue-in-cheek, sarcastic and humorous responses to invasive and discriminatory questions women are asked everyday.

Here are the next 6 questions:

Q7: You are lucky your husband allows you to work. 
Though said as a statement, often times it is meant as a question - "Will you be able to lean on your husband when we demand you work long hours / travel extensively, etc? So that you don't complain about it?" The only apt responses I can think of are:

• Only dogs and children are "allowed" to do something. Hopefully you realise that I am neither
• I AM lucky. The Khap Panchayat approved my working just a few hours ago. Pause for a few seconds for this to sink in. It may take upto a couple of minutes 
• He IS lucky! I allow him to work / stay at home / start a home-baking business / do embroidery / knit / look after the home, our children, parents, pets, potted plants, .... Choose whatever grabs your fancy at that moment 

Q8: Tell me something about your family. Who all are there?

I am told that this question helps determine "stability of background".

• Thank you for your interest. My great grandmother Padmavathi had 11 children. My grandmother, Ananthalakshmi, was the 6th child. Ajji (as we called her) had 11 children of which 10 survived infancy...... Feel free to share real names and details (as I have here) or just make them up.
• Oops! I forgot to do DNA tracing. Isn't it one of the peculiar things listed as a prerequisite to succeed in this role?
• I have a dog, 3 rats, 2 lizards, a small tribe of cockroaches, and some assorted insects and bugs. I am in the process of naming them.
• I have little to share as people in my family disappear without a trace. Pause for effect. Would you like to be a part of my family? Remember to look wide eyed and innocent when you say this.

Q9: How will your family manage when you travel / work late?

• The same way that they manage when I vacation with my friends / visit relatives / go bar-hopping / am high as a kite
• The question you should be asking is how I will manage without them. I hate ironing.
• I hand them over to family kennels
• I've signed-up with charities who are ready to take them on when I travel / work late.
• I was just about to check if you have a family management timeshare program. Hope you have signed up for it. Pause. You can look after my family when I am work-busy.
• Thanks. Your question is a great addition to the case I am building to legalise polyandry.

Q10: What do your family (parents / in-laws / husband) think of you working in sales /  operations / night shifts / industrial belt ..... I've never understood why people are interested in what my family or loved ones think or feel about my career choices and needs. I am told this question comes from an interest in managing "attrition risk" in the garb of ensuring a woman feels safe.

• They think I am Wonder Woman. I can do anything I want. Anytime. Anywhere.
• I mindmeld them into liking what I like, thinking what I think
• We've hired a bodyguard who will accompany me everywhere I go 
• I don't know. Haven't been interested enough to ask. Reach for your mobile phone as you say, I can get them on the line in case you are interested in the answer

Q11: How do you / will you manage the negative impact on your relationship, when you earn more than your husband?

• I pay him "hush money" to keep him quiet and maintain a good relationship
• I have signed him up as my favourite charity
• Are you asking me to earn less than I deserve, so that you don't have to feel imaginery guilt about the imagined negative impact on my husband?
• He knows that I am better than him in every way. 
• You do know that the demand for pay parity does not mean husband-wife pay parity, right?

Q12: Given your age and gender, how many years do you plan to work? I was asked this question when I was in my mid-40s. Ageist and sexist, much?

• How many years are you willing to guarantee employment?
• I'm 102 and still working. So..... perhaps till the day I die. I have to use up my excess energy before the terminal event
• Forever. I am making the best use of the fountain-of-youth cauldron I fell into as a baby.
• I will ask that question the next time I have a tarot reading
• If I tell you, I am going to have to kill you. You could hold up a make-believe finger gun and blow on the barrel.

PS1:  I am grateful to readers who shared thier personal stories of questions and thier reactions / responses.

PS2: I have been asked to share straight answers to stupid questions. I promise to think about this and address it in another post if I can convince my mind to work that way :-)

Follow me if you want to read the next post in this series....

Smart Answers to Stupid Questions Single Women are Asked

Smart Answers to Stupid Questions - Part 1

The more I work in the area of diversity and inclusion, the more I get to hear real personal stories of struggles and successes; of being made a part of, and kept apart from, teams; of seeking respect and not tolerance.

Many of the stories I hear are about questions people are asked - disguised as curiosity, helpfulness, open mindedness, work focus / ethics, culture fit, and every possible corporate jargon that can be used in an attempt to cover biases. 

When I ask why a particularly personal and discriminatory question is being asked, I am told not to exaggerate differences. Not to be a "feminist", or horror of horrors, be "too modern"!  Far too many managers believe that there is nothing wrong with asking these kinds of questions as they are a way to assess and manage risk. 

Policies are never going to change practices. Maybe smart responses / rejoinders may make people stop and think about what they have said. So I have decided to create a compendium of smart answers / rejoinders, to what I believe are, stupid / personal / discriminatory questions. 

This post (the first in a series) covers some of the stupid questions women are being asked and how I, with tongue-in-cheek, suggest they respond to these questions.

Q1 (to a young woman, between the ages of 20-30, at a job interview): Are you married?

Possible Answers:

• I missed reading "marriage" as a critical skill needed for the role in the job description that was sent to me. Happy to discuss how to get over this hurdle.
• There are many types of marriages, which one are you interested in? Marriage of the  mind? Soul? Body? Legal marriage? Spiritual?
• Maybe. Are you?

Q2 (if the answer to Q1 is "No"):

When are you planning to get married? or Why haven't you got married?

This question is asked to determine "stability", I am told.

Possible Answers:

• When my dog gives me permission. Remember to cross your fingers when you say this. It makes the statement more believable.
• I am aatmanirbhar (as advised by our PM)
• When a member of the British / Andoran / Bhutanese / ... royal family falls hard for me.
• When I can buy a ₹12 Lakh saree for the wedding
• When hell freezes over! 

Q3: What are your "family plans"? The cruder ones will ask, "When are you planning to have children"?

This question is asked presumably to determine "instability", I am told.
Possible Answers:

• Are you seriously asking me when I plan to have unprotected sex with my partner? (Enjoy watching them squirm)
• Dunno. Feel free to join us when we next meet our fertility specialist / gynaecologist.
• If I knew that, I'd be God.
• Depends on when I am allowed a conjugal visit by my mother / the prison / my partner's workplace.
• My family plans include terrorising them to be quiet so that I can catch-up on sleep this weekend.

Q4: I see you have a child. When are you planning the second child?

• The first 3 responses to Question 3 should work for this question too. Other responses could be:
• I'm working towards multiple births, if and when, I get pregnant next. Does your medical insurance cover quintuplets?
• Don't know. How did you plan for your first or second child. I would appreciate if you could share your decision matrix with me.

Q5: Who will look after your baby / child when you are at work? Sometimes, in-laws are thrown in to this question, for good measure.

• The wolves. Mowgli was brought up well enough to be loved by wild animals and people alike. 
• No one. I want them to be free and fierce.
• The neighbourhood watch program.
• Can I call my partner to see how they responded to this question?

Q6: You live so far away, how will you commute to work?

• Probably the same way you commute to work. How do you get to work each day?
• Beam me up, Scottie!  Please don't forget to gently tap your Starfleet communicator badge before you say this! 
• Feel free to pick me up and drop me off everyday, as a caring supervisor / HR person / representative of this organization......
• To answer that I would have to call you "Dad" / "Mom". Works?

There are many more stupid questions, and I will cover them in subsequent posts.

Do add questions that you would like smart answers for or add to this list of smart responses.

PS: I have been told by many women that tho' they would love to respond to questions the way I have described above, they are sure that if they do, they will never get the role they want, or the promotion they have been working hard for, or the project they have had thier eye on, or the award they deserve. :-(