7 Key Components Of A Successful Gender Diversity Program

Are gender diversity programs in corporate India only about the ratio of female to male employees? Or about assertiveness training and power dressing? Are these programs delivering only flexi work policies and childcare crèches in offices?  While these are all key issues that need to be addressed by gender diversity programs, there has to be more. Much more!  

I believe that an integrated program to encourage and celebrate diversity needs to be inclusive. The program needs to address how women think of their careers. It needs to bring to fore unconscious biases that exist in the way we think and behave whether we are men or women.  It needs to help us appreciate and leverage the gender differences in our world-space (not just the workplace). 

Here is my list of Must Have's in any Gender Diversity Program

Courtesy SHEROES

It's Gotta Start from the Top. Organizations can spend as much money as they want on Diversity Programs, but if they don't OWN it, at leadership levels, then it means nothing. If employees in the organization don't see women in top leadership roles, women who are respected across industries and countries as professionals, women who have got those roles because of their calibre vs. their gender, then any diversity program will be seen as hollow. Also, women in leadership roles will ask the right questions and challenge the program to be better. 

Have Sponsors / Champions with an Emotional Connect. Sponsers / Champions don't have to be women.  They have to be individuals who have a strong connect and deep understanding of women's issues. If you can't find someone like that, then look for people who have struggled with and overcome discrimination or have strong authentic stories of overcoming odds. 

Courtesy www.48days.com

Believe Gender Diversity is good for Business. Gender Diversity Programs are NOT an HR initiative. If gender diversity is critical for business, then should not the program be managed by a business manager just as marketing programs are? Gender diversity programs, tho' mostly managed by HR, are successful if they can articulate the impact of diversity on key business metrics.  For a gender diversity program to be effective it must have diversity measures (that go beyond ratios) for managers. And these measures must directly impact managers' compensation, career growth, and opportunities.

Courtesy SHEROES

Rebel Against Stereotypes. A real diversity program is NOT about women wearing pink on Women's Day! Women (and men) are multi-faceted - they want careers, play games, listen to music, eat at nice places, smoke cigars, drink wine, love adventure sports, like road trips, play guitars, read books, etc. See how best you can add value to all those facets. I find it frustrating that on the occasion of International Women's Day, companies continue to target women as if their only interest is in spas and salons, shoes and bags, clothes and jewellery, or how to look slimmer and younger (for thier husbands, boyfriends, or in preparation of marriage!) 

Formal Coaching /Mentoring Program. Coaching / mentoring as a part of gender diversity programs need to be formalised. Both the coach and the protégé need to understand what is expected of them and by them. These programs must include members of the dominant group (men) as coaches and mentors. Coaching and mentoring helps women articulate and craft careers that best suit them. It helps them navigate corporate lanes to move onto the fast track.

Courtesy www.womenmeanbusiness.com

Women Have To Believe That Careers Are For The Long Term. In India, often women (and their families) see careers as something that women do before marriage, or at worst, till they have a baby. I have often heard women say "I am lucky. My husband / in-laws allow me to work." This tells me two things - that the women themselves see a career as a SOP or that their career is of lesser value than other things. Diversity programs need to help women recognise why they want careers and how they can commit to careers as if it were a marriage - be in it till death do us part. They may even need to involve family members actively. 

Must be Inclusive! And above all, any successful Gender Diversity Program must be inclusive. Accept that most workplaces are dominated by men, and that they are as involved and invested in enabling and empowering women to grow, as women are. Men have to be an integral part of any Gender Diversity Program - in training, in mentoring and coaching, in ensuring that policies start moving from being not just women friendly but employee friendly. For example, inviting and encouraging men to attend women's networking sessions helps women network with the people who can be their sponsors.

Part of a series called "The Diversity Dialogues" I am writing.

Walk with me

Walk with me, over distances unmeasurable in steps

Walk with me, where time is of substance

Walk with me, my friend.

Walk with me, in the gentle meandering ways of souls

Walk with me, in anger and in pain

Walk with me, in feelings unfettered

Just walk with me.  

Walk with me, in ether traveled words

Walk with me, in the secrets of our thoughts

Walk with me, my friend.

Walk with me, in the brave memories of silliness

Walk with me, in the loud laughter of our guts

Walk with me, in the tears of our hearts

Just walk with me.

Walk with me

When, where, and how you want to.

Walk with me, for here I always am.

Walk with me.

Just walk, dear friend

With me.

Pictures from the series Stone Footprints by Scottish photographer Iain Blake. 

I am happy because.......I say I am happy

Courtesy The Huffington Post

I have been asked why I always seem happy.  How do I always have a smile on my face? Why can my laughter be heard across a room? Why is there always a lot of noise, clatter, loud voices wherever I am? Normally, when I hear these questions I just smile them away. 

But seriously, let me think about happiness. 

With a smile!

What is happiness?  To me it is a state where I believe that everything is fine.  Everything is fine. Its all OK. Life, love, weather, traffic, weight, age, family, friends.  Literally, everything!

That does not mean that there aren’t times when things are not OK.

Yes, I get sad, angry, worried, panicked, irritated, hassled, stressed and a whole host of negative emotions. And yes they stay with me for some time. I have been depressed and battled that for weeks and months. But by and large I am happy.  Why?

I Let the Unhappiness Out! As often as I can.

When I have negative emotions, I "let them out" with all the expressiveness I am known for. I curse in my head; and that is a big thing for me. Remember, I belong to a generation where ladies were taught not to curse.  Yes, the generation after the one, where ladies fainted on hearing the word "damn".  Yet I curse!  Curse in my head, argue with myself, scream at the walls, wet my pillow, let my tears mingle with the shower, plot revenge. I recall smaller hurts that pile up over a period of time.  I may have let them out then, but if they still linger, I let them out again! I let them out as often as I can. Just let them go! 

Not to another person, but to myself.

Not to another person, for that, many times in the corporate world, would make me seem weak.

Not to another person, for they are not living my life and may not be able to understand.

Not to another person, for they should not be burdened by my unhappiness.

All I Have is the Here and Now. So I Enjoy It!

Courtesy Meenu Iyer

Most of the time, I am happy.  I think I am happy because I like the here and now.  It's the only place I can be.

The past is the past. Neither you nor I can change it. We can wish we behaved differently. We can wish we can change it.  We can’t.  We never could nor can we in the future.

The future is far ahead. I can’t bet on something happening in the future as I do not know all the variables and drivers that impact a future outcome. I try not to expect too much of the future.  If it brings me something I want / need, then I am happy.  If it doesn’t, as I did not expect much, I am less sad.

The only real, tangible thing I have is the here and now.  This moment, this hour, this day, even at a stretch, this week. What I do today, like writing this post, or following-up on something, or pre-work for my next assignment, or deciding the menu for dinner when friends are over this Saturday. This is all I can do. Nothing more and nothing less. So, I enjoy doing it.  I can learn doing it. I can feel proud completing something of quality well within time.

But, There IS a Future! So I Try to Plan for an Unpredictable Future.

Not worrying about the future does not mean don’t plan for it. I know I can’t plan for everything, so I choose 2 things - financial security and health.

Courtesy www.unl.edu

I started working with a financial consultant only ~12 years ago, but at least now I know where I stand. This financial security is largely helped by not being in debt and not pursuing expensive habits. Also, I don’t plan to leave money or property for the next generation.  I don’t want to die rich. I want to live rich.

I struggle with health.  All my life I have struggled with weight. I was born an 8lb 8oz baby and never really managed to be a healthy weight. But I exercise as often as I can, I try to eat healthy. I have tried dieting a gazillion times. But none are sustainable. Does it make me unhappy?  Sure it does. But, will I get there? Someday. Someday I will.       

I, Me, Myself

My happiness lies in me. I am constantly working for others, both at work and at home. There are targets to be met, restructuring to be done, policies to be reviewed, homes to run, illnesses to deal with, inconsistent household help, groceries to be bought, bank accounts to be balanced. Sudden demands of me and my time. I do what I can.  I am not trying to win the “Super Woman Award”. I cannot do everything.

What I can do is invest in myself, for nothing matters if I am not happy. Whether it is reading, or watching TV, or chatting with people, or going out dancing with my friends. I am important. So important, that I spend money, time, effort on myself. And try not to feel guilty about it.

When I Am Happy And I Know It……

I let everyone know I am happy. Much like the Pharrell Williams song "Happy".

I chat.  I smile.  I laugh.  I pull a leg. I tell a joke. I share a story.  I let the child in me come out.

If I die tomorrow, I don’t want to have regrets.  I will have worries, of things not completed.  But as far as possible - no regrets.  I have done what I could do.  Been the best I could be with both the monster and angel in me.

I tell myself I am happy

So I am happy

Simple Suggestions to Reduce Delhi's Pollution

(c) 2015 Economic Times

Delhi's pollution is killing us slowly. We all know it. We feel it. In many places in Delhi, we literally see it. Pollution has a dangerous form and substance. And yet, any suggestions to reduce pollution levels is met with loud cries on why and how it will fail. Equally loud is the silence of the same vocal detractors with alternate solutions.

From my simplistic point-of-view, the Delhi Government and its citizens, need to do much much more. Here is my list of things that can be done. 

Is anyone listening?

1. The car odd/even rationing should cover all private vehicles including scooters and motorbikes. It should cover all government vehicles whether state or central government. The only VIPs allowed to drive on any day are the president and prime minister.  That's it. No one else.
2. Keep exclusions low. If women are excluded from the restriction, let the restriction removal enable women to car pool with other women or men.   
3. Ban the sale of all diesel vehicles (public / private) till whenever we have “greener” diesel available in the city. Retire any diesel cars that are older than 10 years.
4. Convert government diesel vehicles to CNG vehicles, if possible & as fast as possible. 
5. Put Delhi bypass highway construction and opening on critical path, so that trucks bypass the city. 
6. Ban the burning of leaves and refuse in the city. Challan heavily all violations. If the burning happens in a gated community and the perpetrator can not be identified, then the community is charged.
7. Ban the sale and lighting of crackers for any occasion whether it is for Diwali or Christmas or a wedding or when India wins a cricket match. 
8. Ban / restrict construction in the city in the months where pollution is the highest historically – Nov, Dec, Jan. Or demand that all construction and material be covered so that concrete, cement, wood, stone, silica and sand dust are not blown into the atmosphere.
9. Fix roads to enable smooth flow of traffic. Potholes slow down traffic. Any construction or digging for water / electricity cables need to be done at non traffic times and trenches created must be filled and re-tared immediately, else the contract work shall not be deemed as completed. 
10. On roads where there are shrines or depots that restrict traffic flow – move these elsewhere or push them back from the road to remove congestion on roads
11. Ban processions on roads for weddings / religious ceremonies – these hamper traffic flow.
12. Green Delhi - Large scale planting of trees. For e.g. Every MCD parking lot must have x number of trees planted in a 60-day time frame (base this in square foot area). And this green cover needs to be maintained.
13. Increase dramatically public transport capacity – metro coaches, buses, etc
14. Encourage private companies to start shuttle services / carpooling (maybe even incentivize them)
15. Give companies a break in corporate tax (or something like that) if they have at least 20% of their workforce working from home.
16. Stagger office timings based on office location. For example, all offices in Central Delhi (CP) must start at 8am and end at 4:30pm. Then the next concentric circle starts at 8:30am and ends at 5 pm and so on.
17. Define clearly emergency personnel and services and situations that are exempt, such as having to drive a pregnant woman to hospital or fire and police services. 
18. Let the police monitor adherence at major choke points so that they are not spread thin. The police can randomly change locations to cover larger areas.
19. Ensure that autos are parked properly without restricting traffic such as at metro stations. The auto queue is so maintained that the next available auto has to go where the passenger needs to go. There is no choice.
20. Ensure that cabs and autos can not and do not charge any surge pricing.  This holds for OLA and Uber and the black and yellow taxis and autos of all types. Set up a control room where the driver's photo and plate number can be sent to a control room. More than 3 violations are dealt with strictly.
21. Create citizen police support teams to help police manage the additional work. So people from civil society volunteer to work with police personnel to monitor adherence to new rules. This will enable us to have more places monitored. Leverage college students, retirees, those who do not have jobs, etc.
22. Run massive communication campaigns that build pride in being an eco-friendly person. Such as badges for being a 365 day car-pooler, or some such thing.
23. Encourage schools to become car-free. Children commute to and from school  only on school buses and parents are actively discouraged from using their cars.

All I ask is that we do whatever is needed to reduce pollution, however difficult it may seem.

Lets give it an honest try before rejecting it. 

For the alternative is death. A slow death. On a massive scale.

Take the long way home

The long way home

Brings sights and sounds

As soft as a new born's skin.

The long way home

Can trap time in a fist

As the horizon releases old friends to meet.

The long way home

Brings you refreshing warmth

With amber liquid memories of your native sun.

The long way home

Makes home the dearer for the journey

Of experiences of the new and old

And the smooth silk of comfort.

So just take....

Take the long way home.

Inspired by a friends photograph and drink after a flight home was cancelled

What's The Big Deal About Vacations??

Staircase between library and church,
or "A stairway to heaven", Melk Abbey, Austria

Till I was in my late 30s I never understood the intense focus on vacations. I wondered why it was so critical for people to go on vacations?  What were they running away from? What were they speeding towards?

The first ~15 years of my working life, I did not take a vacation.  I took time off for medical reasons, care giving, and for my honeymoon. But not to have a holiday. I did not have any vacation time. I just didn't feel the need.

Why?

I also think I was having a great time at work. It was a load of fun.  It was exciting.  I was learning something new all the time. I loved it. I woke up in the morning and wanted to go to work.

Guarding the Grand Palace
Bangkok, Thailand  

I also had pretty-much zero vacation days for "frivolous" holidays. People looked at me strangely and asked "Why haven't you gone on holiday?" or "Why don't you go on vacations?" I'd respond with any reason that popped into my head vs tell them that I'd used up vacation days on care-giving.

It was only in the early 2000s that I decided that I wanted, nay needed, vacations. Because I wanted to experience new places, cultures, food, art, music, and oh! so many other things. I was also doing a job I loved in a stressful environment.

But sadly on many vacations, I cleared email everyday. On some I have created PowerPoint presentations and chaired or participated in conference calls. As if my workplace would collapse without me being there. What a load of bull!!

Blue Mosque, Istanbul, Turkey

It took me time to realize that vacations were meant to give me, yes ME, a change of scene and pace. A time to do something different. Move out of my comfort zone, to experience the new. To learn and appreciate the diverse.  To seek to understand.  To learn something about myself. So I created......

My Rules for Vacations

1. Visit "opposite land".  If life has been hectic then vacation in a place that is quiet and laid back. If life has been dull, seek an adventure vacation.  The more dramatic the difference more I appreciate both the non-vacation and the vacation time.
2. Visit only 1-3 cities in a week - spend time to immerse myself in a city / town / village and get a real feel for it.
3. Find a place that does not have a mobile connection.  Or be very disciplined about calls I take.  This is “me” time and I am investing in it – so no distractions.
4. Travel with no more than 3 other people – more people means a loss of intimacy – and hence a loss in my ability to absorb the new. 
5. Walk as much as possible.  I can't get a the flavor and essence of a

   

   Colosseum, Rome, Italy

   place if I am stuck in a cab or a hotel or a museum all the time.  I like walking thru small lanes and avenues and chancing upon parks, statues, children on the way to school, weddings, receptions, open wet markets; oh a hundred different things.
6. Go off the beaten track.  There is no use seeing what some travel book has already talked about and where I will come across only other tourists.  I want to discover things for myself.
7. But don't miss the local sights and sounds that I have to see.  I don't want to miss a wonder of the world or a famous landmark in my pursuit of an awesome off-the-beaten-track little bazaar or castle or house or church.
8. Eat a good breakfast.  I normally book a hotel after checking out whats going to be served for breakfast.  A good breakfast and keep me walking and exploring for hours.
9. While walking thru a city, carry healthy snacks. Yogurt, seasonal local fruit such as apples / peaches / pears, juices. Eating in a local restaurant with local fare is another way to absorb local culture.  
10. Travel Light - who cares if photographs show clothes that are
    repeated? I'd rather have space to bring back that beautiful porcelain plate or cut glass or mask or painting.
11. Stay at a place that is central – it’s worth being able to come back to a hotel / B&B to take a shower and a nap and head out again. 
12. Go local – food, vocabulary, buses / trams, clothes, places of worship, open / wet bazaars…..what better way to understand how we are all alike and yet unique! 
13. Don't try to do 20 things in 2 days. Do a few things and do them well (sort of like the 1-3 cities rule). Vacations are not corporate life where we have goals and metrics to meet.
14. If you are leaving dependents at home.  Find the best caregiver you can, and don't keep calling them to find how things are! They'll call you if they need help.

Vacation Wishes

La Sagrada Familia, Barcelona, Spain

Now I want to go on  more vacations and I can't being a primary caregiver.  The vacations I want?

1. An all girl vacation
2. A road trip vacation
3. A vacation by myself
4. A vacation where I can skydive / parachute / ride a hot air balloon
5. Vacations to experience new places - The Forbidden Palace and Great Wall of China, The Great Barrier Reef (Australia), Bali (Indonesia), Alaska, Procida (Italy), Pakistan (Yes, Pakistan), Bangladesh, Vietnam, Morocco, New York City, St. Petersburg, all of Australia, New Zealand, Africa, South America (specially Machu Picchu in Peru, Buenos Aires in Argentina, Guatemala, Mexico,...................) 
6. Vacations to see and experience again places I love - Prague, London, Venice, Barcelona, Provence, Trinidad & Tobago, Jamaica, Goa, Athens
7. Vacations to learn dance
8. Vacations to write
9. Vacation to recover from a vacation!!!

Interestingly, I have vacationed in 11 of the 25 TripAdvisor Traveler's Destinations for 2015. 

I still have so much ground to cover, on and off the beaten track!

Deepawali 2015

501 Lamps at Thosamling Nunnery
Near Norbulingka Monastery
Dharmshala India
(Photo Courtesy: Meenu Iyer) 

May Each Of Us

Banish Forever

One Dark Thought

So That There Is More Space

For The Light Of Goodness To Grow!

Saying “Sorry” is Just Not Enough

We all screw up.  We all make mistakes. Some of us more often than others. Some mistakes are made knowingly and some creep up on us. Some are small and some are monumental.  Some cause minor aches and some causing serious damage.  Not just to customers, but also to people, and often to the company.

I have made all these types of mistakes.

I believe that when confronted with the knowledge that a mistake has been made, I have two choices. Either I can be defensive, deny the mistake, and take no responsibility for it, or I can own up to it and take corrective action.

I believe that if I am really sorry, I need to do more than just say “Sorry”.  Here is what I have done - some or all of them - depending on the severity of the mistake.

1. Admit the mistake. I need to first admit to myself that there has been a mistake.  I have to wade thru the “It wasn’t me alone”, the “but the environment made it so”, or the “there was nothing else I could do” scenarios.  I have to reject any excuses that popup in my head.  “I am sorry for xxx. That happened because of yyy”, is not accepting that I have made a mistake! Whatever be the reasons for the mistake, I need to admit to myself first that they were made, and then plan on how to admit it to those who have been affected by the mistake.
2. Feel Remorse. When I make a mistake I feel embarrassed.  I feel
   
   ashamed. Physically, I feel a dull ache in my gut.  I feel my face flushing.  But all this is not feeling remorse. Remorse is much more – it is when I put myself in someone else’s shoes, and feel the impact of my mistake on them, and thru that empathy find a way or ways to fix the impact of my mistake, even if it costs me.  Remorse hurts at many levels.  And it should.
3. Find the right place (quiet and private). Feeling is all well and good, but the person / persons who are affected by my mistake need to know that I am truly sorry for the mistake.  The best is to find a quiet place, one that is private and apologize.  Meeting / conference rooms are great, if you don’t want to go to someone’s cabin (for fear that you may be asked to leave even before you get to really apologizing).
4. Find the right time to apologize. I have often chosen to apologize to someone after they have had coffee or lunch – I find that a full stomach helps them be more receptive.  Apologizing at the end of a tiring day is a bad idea.  For me and the person I am apologizing to.
5. Do it in Person. Always apologize in person (if you can).  Don't hide behind an email or a phone line.  And for someone like me, who finds writing sometimes easier than talking, this is a hard one.  I have often written my apologies, not to send, but to practice what to say face-to-face. If I am unsure of how to apologize, I spend hours going over the situation and what could be said, in my head.  It is, real, virtual role playing.
6. Look people in the eye while apologizing.  Yes, apologizing is hard.  It makes me feel vulnerable, admit to others that I am vulnerable. I want to avoid it. I normally want to run away, or hope that the ground opens up and swallows me.  But there is no way to avoid apologizing if I want to learn and grow from my mistakes.  So, no looking at the floor. No shifting from foot to foot. I stand / sit straight, shoulders back, hands clasped behind my back or on my lap, and lock eyes. 
7. Understand why the mistake happened. Mistakes happen for a variety of reasons. I have found the best way to understand why I made a mistake is to do a root cause analysis, and understand the drivers that led to the mistake.  Often, it helps having a friend or coach ask me the right questions so that I can get to the real reasons. Sometimes I will follow the 5 why drill-down method till I get to the real reason/s. 
8. Acknowledge how it has affected the person/s who is impacted. State how it has affected them.  Saying “I know that you have been affected by…..” is not enough.  I find that when I am specific about what I believe to be the impact on others, the better my learning from the situation. So saying “I know that my mistake embarrassed you in front of …..” or “I know I cost the company to lose xxx rupees” acknowledges real impact.
   
9. Make amends. While apologizing, I state what I will do to fix the situation.  These are specific actions.  There are also details of resources or help needed.  Ideally, I have timelines for most actions and I will state them.  I want my amends to be real amends. And I want people to know that I have thought it thru and a firm idea and focus on how to fix it.
10. Listen to what they have to say, for I may have got it wrong. It is possible, and it has happened with me, that the reason for a mistake, or, how it has impacted people has been off the mark.  I have had to take a step back, and rethink the whys and hence the real impact of the mistake.  This makes the time to complete an apology-and-amends longer, but so be it. I don’t know it all. I don’t understand it all.
11. Express my intent to change. This is a toughie.  This is the phase where I acknowledge what I need to do to change myself.  What I need to do more of (utilizing my strengths) and less of (avoiding my blind spots or shining a light on them). Some of these are so personal that I don’t say them out loud.  But telling people what I want to change, helps me change faster for I have their support.
12. Ask for forgiveness.  Literally. When I say the words, I see the difference it makes. And if I don’t get a response, I think it is OK to ask if I am forgiven. But I have to be ready for someone to say “No” or that it will take time. I can’t expect instant forgiveness. I have to remember that I have hurt someone and that it is always takes time to recover from hurt. Also, actions and behavior over a period of time is the best way to prove that things are really changing. 
13. Express why I am grateful that they are a part of my life. An apology is always more effective if the affected party understands that I need them in my life, whether professionally or personally. It also helps them invest time and energy in the process of fixing a mistake, in helping me change and grow.  It also helps me get a real response to “Tell me what I can do to make amends.”
14. Learn to never make the mistake again.  Understanding the real reasons for a mistake, and then making amends, with the help of the affected people, helps me learn how not to make the same mistake again. I want my amends to be lifelong.  I want them to change me.

It is how I say and show that I am sorry, it is how I fix mistakes and learn never to make them again, that makes the difference.

Saying “Sorry” is not enough!

Our Parents Need Time Too. Indian Companies, are you Listening?

http://news.bbc.co.uk

I smile as I read the recent news of companies like Microsoft, Netflix and Adobe, instituting inclusive (and what to most Indians will look like very benevolent) leave policies for new parents.  

Unlimited / Generous Paternity Leave Announced

These companies have recognized that there is a need for both parents, male and female, to take time off from work when they have a new baby.  Or adopt one.  Or become a foster parent.  They recognize that to retain highly valued talent, they need to help them tide over the critical 1^st year of a baby by being very generous with the leave that they can avail.  And they have made these policies inclusive by enabling men to take time off when they have a new baby in the family. 

There are of course, Indian companies or subsidiaries of MNCs who have paternity leave that range from a pathetic 2 days to a couple of weeks.  But the companies that are listed above have taken this to another level. 

And this makes me smile.  

Finally, diversity is not all about exclusive programs for women, but inclusive programs (albeit skewed more towards women).  Will this policy attract and retain good people? On the face of it, yes. And please, do give them a chance. I believe that it will work and it is something to celebrate.

Paternity Leave is great.  But what about Elder Care Leave?

July 2015: Anna sleeps in Delhi heat and humidity
during the 5 hours it took @CGHS
to apply to transfer his card to Delhi

Then I start thinking about the care of the elderly.  I have often said that looking after an elderly person, and that too one with a degenerative disease, like my father’s, is akin to looking after a child.  

Whereas with a child, parents live with the joy and hope that soon their child will grow and become more independent, there is no such joy and hope for a person who looks after an elderly patient parent/s.  The parent/s will become more frail and dependent till finally death takes them.  A child will live with parents for many, many years but an elderly patient parent will be with us for only a short time.

So why, I ask, have no companies, or governments for that matter thought of instituting “Parent Care Leave”? Leave that I could have availed to look after my father, who has Parkinson’s Disease, Dementia, & Diplopia, vs giving up a full time job.  Leave that I could have used to ensure that I spend quality time with my father vs spending ~4 hours travelling each day to and from Gurgaon.   Leave that I can avail when my father is rushed to hospital and needs care.  Leave that would enable me to manage the financial constraints that not earning puts on a family, especially when I am the only earning member.

Using Parent Care Leave

Since 2011, I have not had a vacation. All my leave days have been used in visiting and caring my father when he was with my siblings and then looking after him when he moved to Delhi in 2014. 

Anna (in yellow) with his younger brother
(KV Krishnamurthy in blue),
Anna's housekeeper & attendant (in green)

In 2014, I brought my father to Delhi to take over care-giving from my siblings. I had to set up a separate, fully functional flat for him.  I was working a full-time job then and had to take PL (privileged leave)and Casual Leave (CL) to fly to Bangalore, pack up and transport his household to Delhi.  Not to mention the many hours after work and two marathon weekends, unpacking and setting up the house.  Hours and days finding him household help, attendants, doctors, therapists, et al. 

I couldn’t relax on a weekend or take a day’s vacation, as I needed the leave to fly him to Delhi, settle him in, and reserve some days for potential hospital stays.  And there were hospital stays, midnight emergencies, hallucinations and delusions that had to be managed on the phone.  All while spending a minimum of 12.5 hours on travel and work.  Not to mention looking after my home and my husband’s elderly parents, who are 91 and 80 respectively.

So, in the end I stopped working.  There was no other choice. There is only so much I could do in a 24-hour day.  And when the choice came down to working or looking after 2 homes and 3 elderly people, I chose care-giving.  It was a no-brainer. 

I thought that I would take a few months off, settle things down and then re-join the workforce.  Wishful thinking, at it’s best!  A new job, meant new commitments, proving myself over again, longer hours, travel, etc.  

Added to this, is the fact that with the elderly there is no predictability.  An upset stomach can send someone to the hospital and time to recover could be 5 times longer than it is for someone in their 50s.  So in the end I decided against a full-time job.  I decided to do something that would give me energy - consulting in areas of interest and coaching organization leaders.   

Tho’ this is my unique challenge, I believe that parent care is going to be a real problem in a few years.  The great “demographic dividend”, that we talk about so proudly today, will become our country’s super senior citizens in 35 years.  Already, nine states in India have lower fertility rates than the highly developed countries of the world i.e. lower than 2.1 which is considered the replacement rate.  Our old age dependency ratio will nearly triple from 13% in 2000 to 32.8% in 2050 i.e. 1 of every 3 working Indians will have to take care of an elderly person by 2050.

While the government is still wrapping its arms around how to get the maximum benefit from the great demographic dividend, I hope they will think of changes to our healthcare and wellness programs to manage a large elderly population. 

But, let’s not leave everything in the hands of a government.  Can some forward-thinking company look at how to retain some of its most experienced people (normally in their 50s), by helping them take time off to look after the same parents who got leave when the child (me & you) were born?

I am asking for the institution of Parent Care Leave. 

That’s not outrageous.  It’s just reality.

First published in The Quint on 14th Aug 2015